I am MAD and I am about to go on a ramble. Consider yourself warned.
This as probably been the shittiest summer that I can remember. I am angry, tired and frustrated. The ordeal with the comps started the anger and every thing else has just piled on top. It was bad enough being the interpreter and bearer of bad news with SMGrandPa, but on top of that I was dealing with trying to get information from sexist, condescending prick doctors. Then SM GrandPa died, in the most emotional roll coaster manner possible. Seriously, we had THREE false alarms before he passed. It sounds so cold and callous but having to prepare yourself for death 3 times in 3 days is mentally and emotionally exhausting. You get to point where you are thinking, OMG just die already and let us move on, which let me tell you is a horrible place to be. Because when grandpapa does die, peacefully thank God, you feel like shit. A whole fuck load of mixed up emotions run through you. Then you have to go through the whole planning a funeral while trying to explain to your child what is going on. Going to the SM house daily, dealing with everyone coming to pay they're respects. Having to deal with annoying SIL, not showing emotions because you need to be strong for SM Parents and Grandma. Not being able to breakdown at home because monkey will freak out be WTF why are you crying mommy? why are you sad? OR because Mr.SM is there and its his GF, so I need to be his rock. Tell WHO THE FUCK IS MY ROCK??!!!
I am angry because I didn't get a vacation, I didn't get to visit my BFF and her baby. And now i need to dive back into studying and TAing. Which means no fucking vacation till God knows when.
I am angry because you would think a death in the family would cement your belief in God as either existing or not, but no I am as conflicted as I was before hand, which I haven't really written about either, bc I have no fucking time to myself.
I need time to myself. I need everyone to fuck right off and leave me alone to pay my bills, clean my desk, watch some TruBlood and drink some OH.
2 days ago