Reality check Ms.SM

I've wasted an entire saturday. I was supposed to go into the lab, flip my fly stocks and do some staining since the monkey is with his dad. Instead I watched Miss. Congeniality, stupid TV, slept and now am watching the US National Gymnastics Championships. Total. Waste. Seriously, its after 6pm and I've finally taken a shower and changed out of my PJs.

Now I know your faithful readers will be like, you deserve this. Part of me agrees. I deserved to waste a morning, an afternoon or an evening. But an entire 12 hours where all I've accomplished is cleaning a house and laundry?? What about doing something for myself? Like going for a run? Doing a little shopping? or perhaps not playing iphone games for an entire hour? I guess I would be ok if this was one day but I'm not working smart. I work hard, but not smart and I need to work smarter, and if I'm honest a tad harder. I need to actually read science papers at work instead of blogs. I need to focus on doing the little things that make life easier, like folding the clothers while watching TV at night instead of sitting like a lump on the couch. That way I'm getting rid of the clutter in our small house, while still doing something I enjoy. Seriously fold the sheets is not stressful or work. Its mindless and easy to do while watching So You Think You Can Dance. I need to wake up at 6am and go for a run. I have to. My body and mind need it. I need to realize putting myself first doesn't mean giving myself an excuse to sit on my ass, but a reason to be efficient. If I had gotten off my ass and gone in today, I wouldn't stress about trying to figure out how to do it with the monkey on Tuesday. See taking 4 hours to do some work today would've saved me stress next week. Working smarter. Thinking about how to best use my time so that I am not exhausted and to tired to go for a run. Because if I don't start working out, my energy is just going to go down.

Sunday is a new week. I'm going to try and put myself first properly. Which also means letting myself waste a day without guilt.

What I did do today:

• Clean the washroom - so much easier now that I use biodegradable wipes to clean on a daily basis
• Did laundry
• Tidied the house
• Folded laundry
• Cleaned my car
• Relaxed!

Remind me why evolution has not eliminated guilt?

The post about the validity of leaving academia will have to wait as I am still contemplating its layout in my head, along with 12,000 other posts. In the mean time, I will mention that once again I must remind myself why I am doing this whole PhD with baby, instead of job that requires no brain power. I am reminding myself that I actually enjoy thinking, and that I could not be a stay at home mom. Not because there is anything inherently wrong with that choice, just it is a choice that I could not handle. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED being at home with the monkey while I was on leave, and I hate leaving him…but I also find he drives me freakin banana’s on most days. I find him exhausting with his energy and mentally boring. I remind myself of this today, because yesterday I got the dreaded call from the daycare saying the monkey had fallen and hit his head on the sidewalk, the concrete sidewalk. When I spoke to them on the phone they told me what happened, said that he was upset but that they’ve been monitoring him closely since it happened and he seems fine. He ate well and slept well also. Why had so much time passed between the incident and me actually speaking to someone? The beauty of not having a phone attached to my hip and not checking messages frequently. So this is the wave of emotions I felt, panic, relief, anger (how closely were you watching him?), and guilt. Why I feel guilty I have no idea. Its not like he doesn’t fall and hit his head on my watch, there is a reason he’s referred to as the monkey. Would it have been less traumatic to him if I were there? Probably not, when he falls off something, he usually cry’s more out of annoyance / frustration than pain. Once he done expressing his irritation with not being able to climb up particular stairs/ fence / window / chair he will proceed to attempt it again. Its not like I kill myself in the lab either, really I am writing a blog post once again instead of my proposal. Mind you I have planned a transfection / infection protocol to be carried out this week and did summarize the structure of protein X – now if only those notes would transform magically into a coherent paragraph. I think its more the general guilt of knowing I’m not one of those mums who wants to stay home with kids and actually enjoys it. I don’t know, I just know that guilt is a useless emotion - now if only my heart could be as logical as my head.