Lies, lies and more lies

I vaguely remember promising to (1) post more often since I've been saved from hell and (2) to do the hockey pool update this week.  Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

yeah right. I'm a PhD candidate with a bun in the oven and a 4 yr old running around! What was I thinking! Actually, I'm busy analyzing all that confusing clear data. I've come up with a funky theory to explain what could be going on except for the crucial piece of data that I need to support said theory is not of the clear and convincing variety...URGH science...

Anyways, I'm up for lab meeting this week, and am trying to get a story put together so the hockey update will happen after said meeting, but since I had a crappy week, do we really care if its a bit late? Nope :) 

Data oh Data what are you telling me

Last year I spent a considerable amount of time writing up a mock grant. It had to contain all the thing a real grant would contain, objectives, rationales, specific aims, hypotheses etc. It was a challenge, but won that really helped me to learn more about my subject area and more about what could or could not go wrong. Painful as it was, I did learn something from it. The last few months (since my comps), when I wasn't suffering from nausea, pregnancy induced sleepiness, or crazyness I have been tackling those specific aims. Much to my PI's delight, I have very clear and convincing data. My images are beautiful.  Except the data isn't showing me what I predicted. Yeah, yeah I know cry me river! Hear me out thought

Based on in vitro vertebrate data, I hypothesized I would see a particular phenomenon, in vivo, in my invertebrate model.  (We should all know that I work on the most amazing and wonderful mode organism, the venerable Drosophila melanogaster.) Thing is, I'm clearly not seeing the phenomenon seen in vertebrates.  So WTF is going on!!!

I know I shouldn't complain I should be happy on multiple fronts. The main thing I should be happy about is that  the data is clear and convincing AND more importantly my PI happily accepts clear and convincing data, regardless of whether or not its what she wanted to see.   This is huge, because I have worked for the PI that just had me redesign and redesign the experiment to get the result he wanted. Not. Cool.

Secondly, my treatment is having an effect - I do something to protein X and I get a phenotype. My phenotype is very clear and unique to my protein of interest.  The question is, what is the mechanism of the phenotype? What is the function of X, such that its loss is causing A?  We / I though it was due to a mechanism hypothesized to occur in vertebrates, based on similarity of our proteins and the structures they are involved in. But as I just said that is not happening.  Which means I have to come up with a new theory....which is painful and hard for me. Luckily, I don't have to do it right away. I want to confirm that the phenomenon does not occur by doing some additional controls. These will not take alot of time and will confirm that the phenomenon does not occur vs my assay not being sensitive enough to detect the phenomenon.  No, I'm not beating a dead horse. The mechanism I am looking at is a signalling pathway and I've only looked one step down. There might not be enough of a change to detect, so I'm going to look further down the pathway to be sure that there really is no change.

I shouldn't say I've been in data hell. Since its good, clear data. But something is going on with my Filezilla **such that its downloading files off the server at extremely slow rates (30Kb/s vs its normal >150Kb/s). Considering I have image files near 1G each, its been a frustrating few days. Slow and frustrating because it takes forever for me to get a file, but only about 10 minutes to analyze it. 

But I guess I get lots of time to think about what is going on.....

and PhysioProf, if you're reading this dont freaking tell this is what science is.  Just. don't.

***if anyone knows what could be going on with the Filezilla please let me know.

Importance of Communicating with your PI

I have probably lost a ton of followers and readers over the last few months.  Which saddens me, but eh, what can you do when life gets in the way in of blogging. I still have to write an ode to my little monkey for his fourth birthday, but since I'm over a month late whats a few more days right?

So this post is to shine a light on the good PI's. Yes I know, its hard to believe they exist, with the blogosphere filled with tales of woe (justifiably so).   Heck, I originally started this blog because of the issues that I was having with my original PhD advisor. However, the stars deemed me lucky enough to land me in my current lab, with my current advisor that you are all sick of hearing how wonderful she is. 

Not to say that we haven't had our issues, for which a lack of communication was the core issue.  You would think that would've taught me a lesson but you know, I"m a slow learner :)

My goal for 2011 was to not sink and more importantly to not be feeling like I'm constantly struggling against sinking. I want to swim this year.  Being pregnant and not wanting to spend years getting this PhD, I need not swim. 

I was not swimming this past January. Mostly because the PI for whom I was TAing for was a completely unreasonable douchnozzle. S/he had extremely high expectations for the amount of work I was supposed to be doing, expected me to not only apply course content but to also help create it. I would speak to my PI about it periodically, who would rea-affirm that no SM you only work 12 hrs/week, no you only apply course content, would you like me to say something? Tell PI, you can not do x and y because I, your supervisor, need you to do z. Always supportive.  It didn't matter what my PI said, this person I was TAing for was a controlling bully that refused to understand that my priority is research and helping the students, not being his/her bitch.  At the end of January, I broke down in our lab office, to our Research Associate. I had been up since 3 am trying to figure out how I was going to get all my TA duties done and get enough data for a paper by the time Parasite decides to come out, while actually being a good mom and wife as opposed to the stressed out exhausted person I was. The DemandingPI was not listening to anything I was saying. The students were complaining to me and asking me to do something. It was just a bad situation.  One that I never openly talked to my PI about.

I didn't come in to the lab, the day after I broke down as we were going on a short family trip but I received an unexpected email from my PI. She told me to enjoy my weekend and relax.  WTF, why was she emailing this?  I may not always succeed, but I try my damnest to a mature, independent student. And I try to solve my problems on my own, which is always the smartest thing. Our amazing RA had recognized that I was being bullied by the other PI, that is was neither fair or healthy to be in the situation that I was. S/he also recognized that I wasn't going to ask my PI for help. So she did.

I don't know all the details, other than my PI was not impressed when she found out the details of what was happening. She got on the phone with our departmental advisor and with the PI I was TAing.  Found out what was happening, through various sources and made it clear that the treatment I was receiving was unacceptable.  She stood up for me. She protected me.  To say I feel like a weight as been lifted is an understatement.

I've since had a meeting with our Graduate Advisor to determine what I should've done, where I went wrong etc. It was great to have that meeting as s/he, very diplomatically, assured me that I wasn't crazy, that I did the right thing, and yes I was in the right.  I've been sorta vague on details but through the whole situation I was being made to feel like I was not in the right that I was supposed to be doing these duties etc.

My point is that had I actually openly talked to my PI earlier, I could've saved myself weeks of grieve. If it wasn't for our RA, I would probably still be struggling not to drown. Power differentials can wreak havoc on someones ability to stand up for themselves. The fear of financial are huge to grad students. I did not / do no want to be the "problem TA". I did not want to cause any waves that would make it hard for me to TA in the future. These fears, prevented me from standing up for what was right. Thankfully I have a PI and RA who saw this and stood up for me.  I am also thankful because I don't think my PI is unique in doing what she did. For all their faults, both my MSc and my original PhD supervisor would've gone to bat for their students.

Now that I"m getting closer to a strong swimming stroke in lab and life, hopefully I'll be back posting more regularlys.

is it too early for Doritos?

Scholarship application is due Monday. I need to give a rough draft of my proposal to advisor today. I am presenting in Journal club this afternoon and had to present in lab meeting yesterday. I didn't think it would be too hard as I had put a proposal together for my committee meeting earlier this year. Except do you know how hard it it to pair down a 5 page proposal to 1. hard..

Out of the fry pan into the fryer

The summer is slowly coming to an end, which means that single motherhood is also ending. As happy as I am about that, it feels like I'm jumping from the frypan into the fire.

The start of the new semester means the beginning of the comprehensive countdown. Our department chair is very adamant that students write their comps in time. He strongly believes meeting the set deadlines helps keep students on track, the advisers and committees accountable, ultimately enabling students to graduate in reasonable time. I totally agree with this. I am terrified of my comps. I am terrified of the amount that I have to learn, how little I feel I have learned in the past year. I have less than 8 months, which just does not feel like enough time to learn so much.
On top of the having to prep for comps, I am TAing two courses this semester. My scholarship runs out at the end of the year and I have no idea if I will win another one. Since I only want to TA one course next semester (as that will be the hard core comp prep time), I need to double up this semester to make up for the lost income of my scholarship.
So I am in the early stages of comprehensive prep and TAing two courses while raising a kid. Definitely puts the hold on any plans for a second child. If this wasn't enough, totally awesome BIL is getting married this semester and I have been asked by him and his fiance to help with the planning. If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, I have often mentioned that BIL is freaking awesome, is always there to lend a hand AND will drive around the entire city to find me sushi after I give birth. I could not say no. Since traditional punjabi weddings are week long affairs, to say that the planning process is intensive would be an understatement. Its prime indian family politics! Suffice it to say that blogging will continue to be light, probably until I am in the midst of hard core comps studying and will need the breaks/encouragement.

I do promise to post the story of my little monkey breaking out of daycare in the next few days and will try to keep up with his antics. He is getting too smart...

Reality check Ms.SM

I've wasted an entire saturday. I was supposed to go into the lab, flip my fly stocks and do some staining since the monkey is with his dad. Instead I watched Miss. Congeniality, stupid TV, slept and now am watching the US National Gymnastics Championships. Total. Waste. Seriously, its after 6pm and I've finally taken a shower and changed out of my PJs.

Now I know your faithful readers will be like, you deserve this. Part of me agrees. I deserved to waste a morning, an afternoon or an evening. But an entire 12 hours where all I've accomplished is cleaning a house and laundry?? What about doing something for myself? Like going for a run? Doing a little shopping? or perhaps not playing iphone games for an entire hour? I guess I would be ok if this was one day but I'm not working smart. I work hard, but not smart and I need to work smarter, and if I'm honest a tad harder. I need to actually read science papers at work instead of blogs. I need to focus on doing the little things that make life easier, like folding the clothers while watching TV at night instead of sitting like a lump on the couch. That way I'm getting rid of the clutter in our small house, while still doing something I enjoy. Seriously fold the sheets is not stressful or work. Its mindless and easy to do while watching So You Think You Can Dance. I need to wake up at 6am and go for a run. I have to. My body and mind need it. I need to realize putting myself first doesn't mean giving myself an excuse to sit on my ass, but a reason to be efficient. If I had gotten off my ass and gone in today, I wouldn't stress about trying to figure out how to do it with the monkey on Tuesday. See taking 4 hours to do some work today would've saved me stress next week. Working smarter. Thinking about how to best use my time so that I am not exhausted and to tired to go for a run. Because if I don't start working out, my energy is just going to go down.

Sunday is a new week. I'm going to try and put myself first properly. Which also means letting myself waste a day without guilt.

What I did do today:

• Clean the washroom - so much easier now that I use biodegradable wipes to clean on a daily basis
• Did laundry
• Tidied the house
• Folded laundry
• Cleaned my car
• Relaxed!

I am really am that pathetic

It is a beautiful sunday afternoon. The sun is shining, its warm and the monkey has gone with his dad for the day. You would think that I would be outside, enjoying the weather via reading in the sun or gardening. But nope I am in the lab, in dark room, deconvolving images. Why? Because I couldn't drive all the way out to campus and do nothing. Why did I drive all the way out to campus if I did not have to? Because I left the power supply to my computer there. Which shouldn't be that big of a deal since it is a nice day and I could be spending it outside without having to be eagle to keep an eye on the monkey, except the inability to check my email, read blogs and look up random shit was making me nuts. Yep, I am pathetic. On the plus side, I am finally looking at images that were collected a while ago...

An Open Letter to JLK

On my birthday I had a bit of a rant about how I wished/wanted academic life to be. Many of you posted birthday wishes and commiserated in the misery of it all, however JLK's comment made me realize that I might of made it look like having a family and going to grad school was insufferable. This was her comment:
...
Your post struck a nerve with me. I really, really want to be a mom. But I also really, really want to be an academic. It's not that I necessarily feel that those two things are mutually exclusive - it's more that I feel like I will have to suffer in order to have both. I will not choose a PhD over children. But I don't know how I'll feel about myself for the rest of my life if I am forced to make that decision.

JLK - you don't have to choose to PhD over children or children over a PhD. You can have both. The ability to have both may not be easy, but honey nothing that is rewarding is easy. That 20+ minute run through the trees this morning was torture at times. The feeling when I finished, knowing that am not as sore as I was last week, was worth it. Being a mom and a grad student is bloody hell hard, but not for the reasons that you may think. I find it challenging because:

1. I care about what people think of me. I have learned not to care but I do. So when my first Phdlab mates implied that I was using my child as an excuse, it was devasting (I'm sure the post about that is somewhere in the archives) or when someone accused me of not pulling my weight because I asked the research technican to take plates out of the incubator, it made me self-conscious of getting an easy ride. You can not let shit like that effect you. You will need a thick skin.
2. I do not always connect with my fellow grad students. For some of them, my life with a child is totally and completely foreign to them. They have no concept and some just don't care about monkey's stories these people are crazy, who doesn't bust a gut laughing at the antics of my child?? I miss out on socials and other networking opportunities. I also do not get to participate in as many clubs/ committees as I would like.
3. I need to be super organized and have amazing time-management skills. More often than not, I will have to say no to going for that cup of coffee with my lab mates because I need to get xyz done before TIME so that I can p/u monkey. That is not to say that I can't have lazy days, or go for coffee but the reprecussions are more severe for me. Planning and being careful while doing experiments are super duper important because I only have a limited time. I can't stay the extra hour to re-stain the blot because I forgot to put in an antibody.seriously,?? yes I have done that...

What you need to figure out is do you really want both? If the answer is yes (as it was for me) then you need to figure out how to do that. For me it was this - Change Supervisors.
Although my Old PhD lab and OldGradAdvisor was full of nice people, and very supportative of men and women, it was not supportative of parents. New Advisor and New lab is. When I decided to find the new supervisor, it was not an easy decision but it had to be made. If you go through the archives, you will read how I agonized over figuring out what I wanted. However, I was only willing to continue on the PhD path if all four of the conditions were met:

1. PI was a good mentor
2. PI was a good scientist (ethical and high standards)
3. PI was understanding and supportitave of parents.
4. PI knew and did not have an issue with me having another child.

Grad school is hard, regardless of whether its in the hard sciences or social sciences. If you are going to embark on this road, you will have ensure that you have a strong support system. I love my life. Its hard, but I enjoy coming into work. I really do think about my research all the time. I may not be reading articles 24-7, but I am thinking about what experiment next, what questions I should be asking. I am passionate about it. If I have to leave my child, I damn well do for something that I love.

I am sure Nicky, Fia and all the other mom/scientist out there would agree.

Turn to face wall, bang head.

I drove 45 minutes came into the lab yesterday, on a Sunday, so that I could spend 5 minutes setting up embryo plates (essentially putting little plates on the bottom of where we store our flies). I did this so that I would be able to run an immuno-precipitation while collecting some microscope images, that whole trying to be efficient so that I can graduate in a timely manner without killing myself philosophy?
Yeah will the stupid flies did not lay eggs and my scope died after taking 1 image. FUCK me.

How to be a Good Phd Advisor

I'm not sure how many PI's read this blog, but in case there are more than 1 of you, here's a couple tips on how to be a good advisor. These are totally based on New PhdAdvisor:

1. 1. Be compassionate and talk to your students about things outside of science.
2. 2. Be professional and maintain a professional relationship with your students (current advisor does not talk negatively about the other lab members / colleagues.
3. Model good conflict resolution skills, people management skills. For example Mr. SM had been wanting that new TV for, like over a year. We finally purchased it because I wanted to watch the UFC match between GSP and BJ Penn (After watching it, I really don't know why I wanted to in the first place). I mentioned this to GradAdvisor prior to telling Mr.SM. She quickly advised me not to tell Mr.SM that I wanted to watch the fight. She reminded me that hubby really wants the TV and that not everything is about me. To be exact she said "tell your husband that you think he really deserves to buy the TV because he has been working hard and passed his exam." You are giving him permission to buy the TV that he wants, thereby making you the AWESOM wife. She reminded me that he doesn't need to know that I want the TV only that I want him to buy it for himself. You may think this is trivial but it she really does model and provide advice on how to deal with people so that you are able to get the outcome you want. Another example is when I was annoyed with the Daycare because they had decided to bring someone in to provide music classes for the kids at a cost of $15.00/per child. I was pissed because no one asked me (a) am I OK with my child participating in this and (b) whether I was willing to pay for it. I said to advisor, I am not saying that I don't want my kid to participate but I want to have the option to say no. She looked at me at said, "I agree SM you totally should tell them that you would like to have opportunity to say yes this is something I want for my child." Again it doesn't seem like much, but phrasing it the way she did would be more positive than how I said, even though we are saying the same thing. When discussing conflicts, saying things less agressively usually results in a better outcome because the other party is not put on the defensive. I really really appreciate GradAdvisors providing these learning opportunities.
4. A couple weeks ago Grad Advisor told the scoop on some new data that was collected in our lab. She provided me with a hypothesis, some questions that needed to be tested and asked me design some experiments to test them. She is not spoon feeding me, nor is she throwing me in the deep end. She's thrown me the ball and asking me to run with. Once I have some ideas on some experiments, she'll help me find the holes and to optimize them. I have a way cool advisor.
   

As a teaser I heard this Guy talk, I'm sure a few of you physiologist types know who he is. :) He gave the most awesomest talk that I will summarize tomorrow... or maybe not cuz I really haven't told you about the MIL yet either!

SnowDay

sorta. Its snowed like crazy over here in HomeCountry. For the first time in 30 years, Canada is covered in snow from coast to coast. Everywhere has gotten at least a foot of snow. Normally, providing you with the information that we've had a foot of snow, you would very easily figure out where I am. Not today. Its absolutely beautiful outside as I look out my window.

We live on a busier than normal street, so at night you can usually hear cars or motorbikes zipping up and down. Over the last couple of days, its been beautifully quiet. I am reminded of the time I lived out on the farmlands.

I have no issue driving in the snow and could easily drive to campus, but b/c of the road conditions and the craziness of other drivers it would take >1.5 hours. Its basically not worth it. By the time I get to campus, it would be too late to pick virgins. So I've dropped the monkey off at daycare and am having a quiet reading day at home.

So nice. nice.

I will try to get another post up but if I don't, wishing everyone a very merry holiday season.

Totally fucking annoyed

There is a post-doc in our lab who is very introverted. Being an avid reader of another introvert, PiT, I have tried hard to not dislike this particular individual. Even though he totally rubbed me the wrong way by claiming that "it is a waste of money to publish those how to hire/keep women science brochures because look how many women are working/studying in the life sciences, heck they are the majority in life sciences research. White men are the minority." Really?? in what fucking department, is what I wanted to say. I stayed mum.

Sorry that was a tangent. Anyways, Introverted Post-doc (IPD) does not say good-morning when he walks in and has not said 2 words to me since I've been here. Since he is highly introverted, and my highly extroverted personality can apparently be hard to deal with, I have not taken it personally. Like I said, I am trying not to dislike this individual. IPD annoyed me with his comment about the hiring women and annoys me every morning when he doesn't say good morning. I strongly feel that it is rude to not say good morning especially since he'll say good-morning to the PI as he walks by her office as well as one or two other lab members. However being rude does not = bad person. Rude / ill mannered people can still possess other qualities that would deem them to be nice overall. However, IPD has also demonstrated that he is inconsiderate.

Our lab is focused on dissecting flies in various stages of develoment, from embryos, larvae, adult flies. Which is why we have 2 dissecting microscopes as well as sign up sheets for them. No one ever signs up right now as there seem to only be about 2 of us using them at any given time. Today is not one of those days. Only one of the 2 scopes is in the dark room. When mounting flourescently labelled disc, its important to do that in the dark room. This morning I had to mount labelled discs for use in the afternoon. Prior to my bitching I will fully admit that I should've signed up for the scope in the dark room. I totally take responsiblity for that. If you have NO flexibility in which dissecting scope you can use, SIGN UP in advance. Totally totally take responsibility for that.

This morning I had 3 things to do when I got in. Eat breakfast, load a gel and mount discs. My gel was fucked up by labmate (this is another post) so I ended up having to remake the gel. It took me ~1 hour to get that done and then I went to use the dissecting scope in the dark room. IPD had just sat down when I walked in.
Me - "Hey are you going to be long as I have to mount a couple slides"
IPD - "I just sat down so I will be awhile"
Me - "Ok, well I just need it for 10 mins so when you take a break let me know"

If I was in IPDs position, I would've been like, oh why don't you use it then as I'll be awhile. Why put someone hours behind, when I can wait 10 minutes. IPD did not do that. And yes I know, he has no obligation to either. But here's the thing. There will come a time when he'll need me to do that for him, and I will. Why, because its the nice thing to do. It is what makes labs cohesive.
Plus when he went left the scope to workon something else for a bit and have lunch, he didn't tell me! For fucks sake buddy, when there is a piece of equipment that is in demand, be fucking considerate and let others know they can use it, especially if they have freaking asked you to let them know.!

I am really really trying hard not to dislike him. But he's not helping me.

The joys of science

So I am really enjoying the New Grad Lab (NGL), partly because I've gone back to what I know well - fluorescence microscopy. This means, after learning how dissect the imaginal wing discs from larvae (not very difficult), I've been staining and imaging up a storm. We are interested in Protein X (that I was moderately involved with in old Lab) and the role it may or may not play in the blood brain barrier, or blood nerve barrier as its known in flies. The antibody I've been using to stain for protein X is for the vertebrete form of the protein but it seems to be cross reacting well. So far I've been trying to figure out the optimal working concentration which is not as easy with wing discs as it with cells. If I was using cells (as in cell culture) I would've collected a few dishes and set up a dilution series and had the working concentraion figured out in a week or two. Unforunately with wing discs I need ~ 20 discs / stain with each 20 disc dissection set taking about 2 hours. I don't know about you, but I can only spend about 4 hours staring down a stereoscope before I feel nausaus and my back and shoulders hurt from being hunched over. This combined with the time it takes to actually image and deconvolve image stacks = 2 months before we have a working concentration. I think I've found a good working dilution (by complete fluke!) and set up this week to run a SDS-PAGE so that I could do a western blot to confirm the specificity of the antibody. Do you how many days it has taken me to run the freaken protein gel? According to the date on my lab book I started this on wednesday. Three days later and a good number of attempts later the fucking gel has FINALLY set. Thankfully I have learned not to immediately start wondering WTF with me that I can't set a stupid gel to set. Though I would now like to say WTF. Its a bloody SDS-PAGE???? How difficult is it to mix together components!!!
Well apparently quite difficult when critical reagens like the acrlyamide and temed have gone off! This morning was spent making up small volumes of stacking gels to determine first if it was the temed (since we have like 6 bottles of temed we had to test them all), than if it was the acrylamide. We have determined the acrylamide is off for sure, so we've ordered more in. To make sure I don't fall to far behind, I bummed some acrlyamide off a neighboring lab to make up yet another gel. 3 days later I have an acrylamide gel sitting in the fridge waiting for me on monday morning. Lab work is 90% trouble shooting. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat

Little quirks

Every lab has its little quirks and now that I am in the second week, I am discovering all those little things that made life easier at old institute. Not that I would go back, but there were some perks to being at a facility that believed in farming out as much as possible. For instance, today for the first time in 2 years, I had to make 10x and 1x PBS, plus I will now have to autoclave and sterilize my own solutions (including H2O). Old institute believed that making stock solutions (and filling tip boxes) took away from valuable science time, so we had a Core Technician, who made all the PBS, sterilized H2O, FBS, and cell culture additives for the whole institute. It saved the labs money as we ordered in bulk, but it also meant that a whole lot of people took Core Technician for granted (which is why she is leaving).
I am not sure if I have a strong opinion for or against institute wide stock solutions, but I did feel a pang of annoyance at not being able to make all my solutions because I had not first made a bunch of stocks. Plus it seems silly for each lab member to have individual stocks, a bit repetitive. However, I also know that pang of annoyance I felt, when a certain lab person in old lab was not careful with lab stocks, leading to contamination and fubarring reagents for other people. I guess this is why I do not have strong feelings one way or the other. I see the benefits in terms of time and cost savings, but I also know that one mistake (or one persons carelessness) can have huge ripple effects in that system.
The other interesting quirk is that we use all glass here. From little culture tubes, to actual graduated glass pipettes. The less plastic waste the better is the theory. I felt very old school learning how to use some of these things because quite frankly the only glass that I have encountered was for beakers, flasks and pasteur pippettes. The one quirk that I will love is that I no longer will have to weigh out PFA, our head technician believes the extra cost of the 16% PFA ampules is worth the reduces risk to our health and safety. Making PFA was never so easy!
Things are still going well. I am feeling out the dynamics and learning to manage the strong personalities. If anyone knows of a good fly genetics for dummies book, I would greatly appreciate the recommendations.

*****
On the other front, I asked PI1 for tea. I basically told her that I took her advice to be selfish and that my decision had been made only a few days ago. To quote "I appreciate the offer and the assistance, and I hope to still able to learn from you. You can forgive me and I'll buy you a tea or you can just hate for me 5 years. I would prefer to know now please". We went for tea. Here is hoping I am on her good side. If not, I am sure she is not the first, nor will she be the last person, that I piss off in my lifetime.

Drum Roll Please

Okay, so you have all been patiently waiting to find out where I landed. For any newcomers that may or may not be out there, lets recap:
I quit my lab in end of July and interviewed with PI#1. She is a very successful, strong, larger than life scientist. She totally understood my situation and invited me to interview her students and post-docs. That interview left me thinking WTF! Her students made me wonder whether there was such as think as professionalism or even proper training / mentorship in science. I did recognize some of the good points, which were that her students felt comfortable enough to be honest, were well respected and were focused on individual projects. Although the lab had problems (as every lab does), they were more based on personality differences vs project stealing or authorship issues. This interview occured right before PI1 was leaving for vacation. I specifically mentioned that I would like to make a final decision before Sept 1/08. She said she would let me know after the 27th when she got back.
As you know, I had emailed several PI's but she was the only one that had responded and I wasn't feeling very hopeful. I ended up applying for a job, talking about the importance of networking and at the same time emailed PI#1 to ask whether she had made a decision or not.

I don't know why I never blogged about at what happened, but basically PI1 emailed and asked me to come in for an orientation, but was very clear throughout the meeting that she had not yet made a decision. She was once again leaving on trip so before I left her office for the day, I told her I was committed to her lab, but that I needed a decision from her so that I knew whether or not to consider other opportunities. She replied that I needed to be selfish and singleminded in my pursuits if I wanted to pursue a PhD. So based on her advice and that of others, I recontacted some PI's, had a really good interaction with PI#2 and her lab.
PI2 was supposed to get back to me by wednesday of last week, and by friday morning she had not said anything. Right before we left the house to begin the crazy weekend, I emailed her. She responded a few hours later (not that I knew that until monday morning) saying that she would be delighted to have me join the lab. She apologized for taking longer than expected, but all my references had not responded in a timely manner.
The decision had to be made very quickly and I choose PI2. There are no crappy politics in her lab (as far as anyone mentioned), she was professional, would be on sabbactical in the lab, for the next year and was able to make a decision quickly.
The crappy part is that we share a lab space with PI1 who realized that I took another position and is pissed. I ran into her the day she returned, before I had an opportunity to let her know I've gone somewhere else, and she realized I had taken a position. She is pissed as she claims she was about to say yes to me. I told her that I understood our last conversation to mean that she would not be sure for awhile and that it would be better for me to look elsewear. Apparently I assumed to read her mind.
Mr. SM doesn't seem to think she deserved to be told prior to me saying yes to #2, as she was not giving me a clear answer, and had close 1 month to say yes or no. Although I agree, I still think she was willing to give me an opportunity and was willing to see my potential, that I should apologize and try to mend fences. I hate to leave relationships on bad terms and it never hurts to have someone in your corner. Plus, I understand the reasons why it took her so long to make a decision. She wanted to speak to everyone concerned which is difficult when you are always travelling. I also think that on a regular basis I would need her to make decisions and do stuff, but because she is so successful and traveling always, her inability to contact the relevent individuals and make decisions would be repeated.
Mel I know you're happy!
I am feeling more confident in this new lab. There are ton of women around, its family friendly. But its only been a week, however if things continue this way, I may start to be more open about who I am and where I am.
Thank you to all of you for your wonderful advice and support. Especially Cath and Mel

The Importance of Networking

Update at bottom

If this ordeal with my PhD studies has taught me anything, it is the importance of networking. I can not say it enough. Regardless of the stage of your studies, get out and NETWORK. Get to know labs, start collaborations, join organizations. I have a huge history of networking outside of the lab, in alternative science environments. I have a huge lack of history of networking in science. Getting out and working with other labs, going to talks and seminars. Had I done that, it probably would've been much easier to move labs. People would know who I am and would count on my reputation, that I had worked at developing. Instead (I think), they go by the reputation of GradAdvisor who is known to be very nice. If I can't work with him, what is wrong with me. That could be totally off base and I am sure it is, but the truth of the matter is that unless I am out there and developing those relationships and demonstrating my abilities, I am no one to other PI's.
Contrast this with what is happening in the alternative science environments, where I have developed relationship and a reputation. A job was posted in an area that I have been interested in as a career path. Although, I may not be the perfect candidate for it, I know women who have work(ed) in the field. Yesterday I was struggling with writing a cover letter, as its not something I have done in long time. I emailed my very very rough cover letter to, a very good friend, whom I met while volunteering on the Board of the our Women in Science Organization. She looked at the job posting and sent me back a cover letter with some edits, advise on how to lay it out, what skills / experience to highlight. She also suggested I contact a former Board member who works at the University in an area that is similar to the posted job. I worked on the cover letter some more, incorporating the edits and advise that was given to me, then sent it to the former board member and the current President of our Women in Science organization. The president emailed me back with an example of one of her cover letters and advise on what to put into a letter when applying for a job that you have little to no experience for. Former Board member emailed, asking me to call her at work and the spent over 45 minutes "hinting" on exactly what the hiring committee is looking for. She also told me who is on the hiring committee. I have met one of the ladies through my work with the Women in Science organization. Former Board member knows the other individual quite well. Once I submit my application, I am to email her so that she can put in a good word and recommend that the individual meet with me regardless of whether he thinks I am a good fit for this job.
Lesson learned:
I have developed great relationships with people in a variety of alternative science career path who can open doors and point me in the right direction.
I can not apply for this job and ask for those doors to be opened unless I am going to walk through them. To do otherwise, would be harming the relationship and reputation I have worked so hard to build.
If I am able to join the newLab, I will have to get out there in terms of science networking.
I can not make any moves until the door on the other lab is shut.

Action: I called PI, left a message on her voicemail indicating that I need to know her decision so that I can make my decisions about pursuing other opportunities. I will wait until 12 pm tomorrow to hear from her.

This is a hard decision to make, but I can not sit in limbo. I am getting depressed sitting at home with no where to focus my energies. VWXYNot suggested re-emailing the PI's that did not respond. I could do that, but then I think that I will be passing up on this alternative career path opportunity. I also think that I would be sitting in limbo again waiting for others to make decisions. Of the PIs that did not respond, only 1 is someone who has a solid publication record, combined with a reputation for good science and good mentoring. If I email her, I will have to put on hold the job application. I think I will wait for the first PI to repond. If there is no response, I will submit the application and see what happens with the meetings and interviews. I have been trying to mend my heart and my soul about leaving grad school. I don't think I am able to open the door to it, only to have to close it again. My heart and soul could not deal. Its barely dealing now.

*****
My emotions are slowly moving from sad to mad. Just tell me already. Don't not reply. Just fucking say yes or NO!!!!! URGH! I keep fucking checking my email and nothing! I get nervous when the phone ring. grumble grumble grumble.

*****

Now I am fully angry. I am trying to make myself feel ok about this situation because of the monatary reward. I will get that later as well. I am going to make an appointment with Program Advisor before making any rash decisions. I can open the doors, as long as I am honest about my situation. Honesty is the best policy even if it gets me stuck in crappy situations like I am right now. Integrity and respect aren't easy to earn, and it usually earned for choosing the harder, more ethical road.

The spawn of negative results

The other day I was reading a very interesting post by Mrs. Hyde on negativity. Science is by nature a negative field, which some of us deal with better then others. As scientists we are trained to analyze, question and critique. When we are giving presentations, whether they be in a lab meeting, at departmental seminar or at a conference, the purpose is to present our data for others to critique. Some (a few rare exceptions) know how to ask questions or provide critiques in a constructive manner, but the vast majority know only how to criticize without providing any positive re-enforcement. To add insult to injury, getting to a point where one actually has data to present usually involved months of failed experiments – troubleshooting and optimizing an experiment until it actually worked. The basic cycle is that you spend months trying to get an experiment to work, when it finally does you present it and it gets “critiqued” aka the shit slammed out of it. Although the slamming and the criticism is directed at the data or “the science”, if you’re the one who designed the experiment, trouble shot and collected the data its not hard to take the words “that data is shit/crap / incorrect because” as being personal. If the experiment approach or design is crap, you’re the idiot for designing it that way. THAT is NOT TRUE. ITS NOT PERSONAL. And its not, in an abstract sort of way, disliking the science does not equate disliking the person. I can say that objectively when its not me on the hotseat. But really how do you not take it personally since it was you that spent the days, weeks, months working designing and trouble shooting. To you it is personal, you don’t graduate or finish a post-doc without it. To top everything off, throughout this process a grad student or post-doc has probably no heard the words “you’re a good scientist”, “what a good thought process”. Surrounded by failure and criticism it is no wonder that grad students – male and female suffer self-doubt and become bitter. It is no wonder that many people (again male and female) leave science after completing their PhD’s or post-doc positions.

The ones that stay in science, tend to be very thick skinned. They don’t give a shit what people say because you don’t survive if you care. Which is why many (not most or all) PI’s have limited interpersonal skills and limited teaching / mentoring skills. The process of Science selects for those type of people. The self-doubt, negativity, and bitters is gender neutral. Bad mentorship, poor PI-student/post-doc relationships are gender-neutral. Perhaps the issues arise from the way men and women react to the issues? Not quite sure and I think that is a different post.