First of all I want to sincerely say thank you to everyone for the kinds words, thoughts and offers of private venting. It is so great to know that I have such an awesome cheering section.
I know you're probably wondering what happened to piss me off so much and some of you may know because (1) you're a facebook friend (2) you know me in meatspace. I am going to reveal what happened because (a) almost everyone at school knows (2) for any grad students that may be reading.
I was angry because my PI pulled the plug on my comps. She gave me the choice, but didn't believe I would pass and didn't want me to go through that experience. I'm no idiot, so when my PI strongly advices something I tend to listen. But I was pissed. I've been busting my ass trying to get the mock grant ready, studying my ass off and not spending time with my kid. I've been putting off personal life stuff until my comps were over and its just going to be delayed more.
I am angry because I am embarrassed that I couldn't get it done. Others have gotten ready for their comps in 6 weeks and I couldn't do it. I see this as a failure. I don't deal well with failure very well.
I am angry because I was not aware of all the different subjects I had to study. I know my shit. I know the shit that my committee told me to study. I don't know the "other shit" my PI expected me to know. She never told me that I needed to know that shit. I know she never told me because I take notes at every meeting. "Other shit" was not written down.
I am angry because there was a communication breakdown and ultimately its my fault.
I am angry because every week I was reviewing with a postdoc and a research associate, and they thought I had a solid understanding but they didn't know I needed to know this "other shit".
I am angry because its not their responsibility to know what I need to know - I know its my fucking responsibility.
I am angry because if I don't know I'm going down the wrong path, how am I supposed to ask for help.
I met with my PI we made a plan and worked my ass off. Except she didn't mention "other shit" I need to know. So when she realized days before (because she never attended the review sessions until I asked) that I was missing stuff, she pulled the plug.
I am angry because I thought I was being responsible. I talked to her, met with committee members for detailed breakdowns and pushed hard. Except when the time came to show I was ready, I wasn't because I didn't know "other shit" that I wasn't told. I should tell you that I know some shit because I realized that although no one mentioned it, it would be good to know. But not being told I need to know "other shit" is not an excuse because (according to PI's I have spoken to) it was my responsibility to know that I needed to know the other shit. Which makes me feel likes it a circular arguement, in that is my responsibility to ask or I'm supposed to just know, but if I don't know, how do I know I don't know? How do I know I"m supposed to ask?
I don't hate my PI. I really like her and I know she looks out for me. I also know that most PI's believe graduate students need to be responsible for their own shit. I try to be a responsible independent, mature grad student. But sometimes its just too fucking much. This whole attitude of its the graduates student responsibility to be in charge of their own degree pisses me off. Why are you there as a PI if everything is my responsibility. When I ask my PI friends what the fuck their responsibility is, they have no answer. When I ask for an explanation of what I did wrong, they say their is no point in placing blame. Which makes me angry. I am angry because I think my PI thought she didn't need to hold my hand and I proved her wrong.
In case you haven't figured out. I just basically angry at the whole fucked up situation. Yes I'm trying to look on the positives. Yes I know its for the best. Doesn't make me any less angry.
Yes I have met with her again to outline what I need to know, wrote everything out and gave it back to her to review. I know 90% of what is on there, which makes me even more angry.
I am angry everytime I sit down to study. I don't think I will get over my anger.
4 days ago