Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Burnt out

I've burned out.  The last month of family functions, marking, home renovations and trying to get data has taken its.  I could not function on sunday. As in Mr.SM was talking to me and I could not understand or comprehend what he was saying. Thank fully the kitchen is finished I think. The painters came in today so I should be able to put the stove and fridge back in and cook upstairs! WOOHOO!! 

You would be very proud of me dear internets, as I put myself first this weekend and the weekend before. Instead of trying to kill myself going to family functions, getting the reno's done and seeing my parents, I said no. I need to do my work first. I have been trying to learn to put myself first without feeling guilt. And now, I am again sitting her at monkeys' class spending time putting together a blog post instead of figures.  Thats OK. I miss blogging. I miss the communication, the advice and the community.  But its been hard these past few months to find the time.  However I realize I need to for my sanity. 

My last post was ramble about working, being a mom and being happy in our choices. In barfing that post out onto the internets, I realized that any guilt I feel over my choices are not because of the monkey or Mr.SM, but because of comments, expectations and judgement from my family.  They don't appreciate, value or approve of my life choices. I work too hard, I don't spend enough time with them, I deprive them of their grand chid, I am not a good daughter like my sister.

I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it. I have realized that unless I do exactly what they want, they will not be happy. I can't do that. Especially not with my sister, who has decided that I am not worth her time or respect.

I do however have to figure out how to deal with my parents. How to rebuild a relationship whose trust is broken. My sister and I have not gotten along for awhile and they've always chosen her side. I firmly believe that they should not have gotten involved.  We are both they children, who were probably both wrong, but in my dad's eyes my sister is perfect and I"m a bad mom. What can you do?

Sorry I"m venting about stuff without going into details but I"m not sure how much detail I want to go into. And really what good would it do? It would just be a list of the ways she has wronged me, ways that maybe I have wronged her. But it doesn't change that she's never apologize for anything. Do I start with how she's purposely scared the living crap out of my child on halloween, or how she barely was able to say congratulations when I told her I was prego? How about not showing up for my grandfathers funeral or not coming by the house to pay her respects until 5 days after he passed?

Do you know what would happen if I did that? OMG it would be a continued indictment of how I am such a crappy sister and family member.

Usually the inlaws are the outlaws, but they have been nothing but awesome to me. I need to remember that.  I need to accept that stupidity and immaturity that is my sister and not let it get in my head.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I'm a #SciMom and hear me roar

I got that from Dr.O

So this is mash up of two themes going on in the bloggy world.   One about being a mom and a scientist (thanks Janet for the shout out) and another about being a mom who doesn't really do it all.

Be pre-warned that its a ramble. As I posted before, I've been under alot of pressure to get shit done before the release date and I'm going to just let it the thoughts role out while monkey is in a class.

Motherhood is a hard role to fill. Personally, I feel like its still the one role where women feel perfectly fine in judging and critiquing another choices. Its also still the role, where many of us feel like we still have to fill the traditional idea of what a good mom despite working or going to school full time.  Its why my parents feel like they can constantly tell me it would be better if I worked part time, or at least they told me that until I asked them why they never said that to Mr.SM.  Like the other #SciMoms, I love what I do. I get excited about the data. As frustrating as it is not to know WTF is going on, I love getting it, looking at and pushing the boundaries of our knowledge.  I've been known to dream of myself sitting at my desk looking at my data. I have woken up with the the thought "OMG xx is the answer!!!". All because of a dream about my data.

These statements do not diminish the love I have for my child either. Note, no one would even think that if Mr. SM made the above statements. But neither of us are suited to be stay at home parents. We don't have the patience or the energy. And quite frankly the monkey wouldn't enjoy it either. He is thriving have "other people raise him".  He loves his friends at daycare and does not stop talking about the plans they make and the fun they have. So I feel no guilt about it.

Its taken me a long time, but I've actually stopped feeling guilty about my choices. Especially since I realize that most of my guilt was coming from the my parents making comments that questioned my decision. Being constantly told that its important to be home for a child, to a child x,y,z, that I"m not making enough time for them was taking its toll. The thing is when I"m 80 years old and looking back at my life, I need to be happy with my choices. I also need to live the life that I want to role model for my child.

Currently, I probably do most childcare. I'm OK with this. Mr.SM was raised in a very traditional family and is very very liberated from that viewpoint. I do not clean washrooms, do laundry or wash dishes and floors. Monkey has no idea there is such a thing as gender roles.  He sees his dad help his mom cook and clean. His mom helps his dad lay down floors and install baseboards (while she is 30+ weeks prego, WTFFFFFF!!!!!!).  These things are important to me.

Monkey get home cooked meals. I hate processed food and its important to me to eat well. Yes we eat out (its been 6 days straight due to kitchen renos) but it is not a frequent occurance. Rarely do I eat premade frozen food. What we do eat is alot of leftovers. I will make a big meal on Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. This requires grocery shopping and planning, but its important to me so I do it.  But it means that we aren't doing something fun every weekend. We make time for things that are important to us - swimming lessons, hikes, skiing, walks with the dog etc.  We minimize are TV time. But we're not going on exotic vacations or spendings our days at the beach.

I'm OK with this. When my parents find out that we reno'd the house, they're going to wonder why we didn't send monkey away while we worked. Well we drop him off 5 days a week and would like our 2 days with him, even if we're doing construction. But also, its important for him to learn to contribute and that he is important in making our house work. At 4 he is able to help carry things into the house, run stuff between his dad and I.  He even helped hold baseboards in place while I nailed them in.

Well monkeys class is over so, theres my ramble.:) 

Friday, April 8, 2011

Before I get into the midwife thing.

Okay, so once again its been awhile since I've posted. In my defense, I'm busy people. Between kitchen reno's, lab work, family and well being anemic, blogging as been low on the priority wheel. Don't worry though, soon enough I'll be on mat leave and blogging up a storm! Hahahahaha!

Alright, so many of you are wondering about the whole midwife vs GP vs OB/GyN thingy and I'm going to get to that the next post. I just want to make a few things clear. I live north of the 49th parallel. Why is this important? Because up here, we get universal health care.  Its not perfect and things slip through the cracks, but in general you won't be seeing commericials like this up here:

Yes we fundraise for our hospitals, but for equipment NOT TO PROVIDE CARE.  Why am I saying this up front? Because I have the luxury to not only choose whether I want a midwife or a GP, which hospital I want to deliver at, with out having to shell out cash from my take home income. That is a luxury I  not  everyone in the USA gets.  In the spirit of full disclosure I wanted to (1) let you know that having government funded universal health care makes my decisions about what health option I want easier as I don't have worry about whether I can afford it or not.  (2) This is your opportunity to troll and call me a communist for celebrating and promoting universal healthcare.  I will delete any and all comments regarding the communism of universal healthcare in the next post. full stop. There are somethings I will debate and admit there are shades of grey on. On this issue I can not. I can not see how it is OK for a wealthy nation, that can afford to pay billions and billions of dollars on military machines, to ask its citizens to choose between getting needed health care or shelter/food/clothing. This is not an issue that has shades of grey for me.

I am watching and reading what is happening down there in awe. And I am terrified of it spreading up here. Go ahead call me a communist. This is your chance.