Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Update your RSS!

So I"ve officially moved over to wordpress,  The new blog title is ScientistMother: Raising Replicates. If I knew how to change the url to without having to start a whole new blog I would but eh, that is life. Anyhoo I will not longer be posting here so come check out the new home and grab the RSS feed from the handy link.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Need a new blog name

so i'm moving over to wordpress because quite frankly its better. I enjoyed the format when I was guest blogging at Scientopia and after losing comments and shite, I figure why not. I have time today thanks to a broken hot water tank. Problem is, already exists. So time for a new blog name. Any ideas?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Finally, happy Birthday monkey

***Cross-posted at Scientopia

My Dearest Little Monkey -Boy,

You turned four, oh like 5 months ago and I have not yet written you a birthday letter. If you're getting shafted by 4, your poor little sibling is going to be SOL for attention! I'd like to say its not my fault but really it is. I have chosen to be your mom while going to school fulltime, TAing 2 courses, and managing a house. Plus you had to go and be born right AFTER the Christmas / new years crush. I was just too damned tired my love.

And then, well I had to think about what to write and I just couldn't write it. I couldn't think about what an amazing little boy you are. I don't want to realize how fast you're growing up. How it feels like I have such a small window of time with you.

But then I need to let you know that you are a caring and resilient and strong and loving and funny little boy. A boy that I love and am so proud of. You had rough year last year. What with mommy and daddy both crazy busy at work, then your big baba passing, mommy always tired from incubating the baby. Through it all, you've been rock solid. You've had your meltdowns, which really I can't blame you for. But mostly you've been loving, gigglying at me when I fall asleep reading to you - isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Stroking my arms, as I fall asleep next to you, just as I used to do to you. Making me laugh, asking me if I'm happy.  Its been hard having your mama lose her shit more frequently. Its hard when your mama used to have the patience of a saint with you.  Now that all the crazy has subsided, I hope I can get back to where I was with you before.

Watching you with your Dad cracks me up. He spoil you rotten and you know it. You know exactly how to get what you want from. And OMG are you ever your fathers son. From the stinky poo's and toots, to the contagious laughter. You really must be the happiest silliest boy. And the most active. Even your Dad can't keep up with your need to fight, wrestle, run, jump, ride all right now. Or you have to be dancing and singing. I swear there must be a music gene, because just like your father you know all the songs and artists that you like. and all the trucks makes and models.

Your excitement for the new baby makes me so proud. Watching as you share and take turns with other kids. So caring and generous. How did you become like that? How does a 4.5 year old have as much compassion as you? I am so proud of how you look out for your little niece and nephews and know you're going to be such an amazing big brother.

I am scared of what is coming next though. Your curiosity is insatiable and I have no idea how to answer your million and one questions. How do I explain to you how the baby comes out? or where big baba has gone?  Can't you stick to simple questions like why is the grass green? I guess if you did that you wouldn't be my son would you? The only thing you have from me. My curiosity and my stubborness. I hope that means you're going to go far.

I love you, little man. You promised me yesterday you'll be a good teenager. Please keep that promise.
your mama.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

An Open Letter to my Mom

***Crossposted at Scientopia Guest Blog

Dear Mother,
Two weeks ago I invited you over for dinner, along with Dad bc you had not seen your grandson for about a month. The same amount of time it has been since Mr.SM's grandmother and parents have not seen their great/ grandson.  In march, after spending the whole weekend installing floors , still have a shit load of stuff to do and wanting to do nothing but sit on my couch with take out, I packed up my family and drove out 30 minutes to see you guys.  That night, just like the night 2 week ago, you did not ask me how I was doing. Was I feeling OK, did I need any help. How was the pregnancy. All you cared about was playing with monkey and figuring if you were going to have another grandson or finally get a granddaughter.
Except the night two weeks ago, you decided to guilt trip me about how little time you get with your grandson. You said you understood that Mr.SM and I work fulltime and only get the weekends to be a family but you still demanded, not asked but demanded that monkey sleep over at least 1x every 3 weeks. You know we have a lot going. You know that Mr.SM has a huge family, whom we are quiet close to. Yet you have the balls to say that monkey doesn't need to go to every extended family members function.  Guess what woman, you're extended family too. And yes he does need to go to the functions that we go to. We pick and choose what is important to for us to attend and if we feel it is important for Mr.SM and I to attend, it is important for our child(ren) to attend. This is how they learn the importance of family.
Instead of ensuring that in the final weeks of my pregnancy, I was relaxed and healthy. You decided to demand that since it works better for your holidays, my husband can go back to work right after his child is born.  When I refused and informed you that after my child was born, I would like the father of my child around, you chose to act is if I was some how insulting you. 
On Sunday, I left a scientific retreat, immediately after my talk to attend my nephews birthday. Do you know how pointless it is to give a talk and then not stick around to chat with colleagues about it? But I did that. Why? Because if I didn't you and my dear sister would use it as another example of how selfish I am, despite the fact that Mr.SM took monkey to the party on time. He did this, despite my sister never showing up for our grandfathers funeral or acknowledging in anyway, shape or form, the emotional trauma we may be dealing with after the fact. Despite completing disrespecting him at her FIL's funeral.
When her father-in-law recently passed away, we did our family responsibility. We did not do tit for tat.  We went to her MILs house the day of the death, we went to the funeral, to the prayer and back to her MILs house after. Even though my sister blatantly ignored both Mr.SM and myself.  She walked up to the man standing next to my husband and thanked him for coming. Then she looked at my husband and walked away. You know what I did? Nothing. I took, as I keep doing, taking the higher road.
It was Mothers Day on Sunday. Do you know that it was the 4th year that I have been a mother and you have not acknowledged that.  Despite this I still called you last week to ask if you wanted to come for dinner. I asked both my bitch sister and my brother to come. Understandably, my sister did not want to come since she was throwing a party that morning. Your son and other daughter (me) were going to be there. Notice that I was not having any time to spend with my child on mothers day? Because mothers day is not about me. its about you. 
At the party you noticed I was tired. Shit I wonder why I would be tired mother?  Did you ask me how I was feeling? Did I need any help? Nope. Nor would  you give me a straight answer on dinner. Later on you called that you were not coming and I was happy. I did not want to spend another evening with you. You choose not come. Remember that.
Do not send me an email at work 3 days later trying to guilt me about how mothers day is about family and how dare all of your children not be around you.. You know nothing about family. You only know how to try and use guilt to make me do what you want. I am slowly getting to a point where you can't push my buttons. You will be losing out because of that.

You ruined my day with your email and are adding stress that I don't need. I am done with you. I told you two weeks ago that I am done trying to make you happy. Now I am telling the world. Sunday was the last mothers day that was about you.  You will see your grandchild(ren). I will not poison them against you. Your access will be limited. The less they have to deal with your selfish and manipulating ways the better.  You will get to spend time with them 1/month for a few hours. Sorry you did this. not me.
Your daughter

Monday, May 9, 2011

Guestblogging at Scientopia

So as some of you may or may not know, I"m over at Scientopia's Guest Blog. I could cross post here, but why do that when you can just click the link and go over there for the next two weeks :))

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Burnt out

I've burned out.  The last month of family functions, marking, home renovations and trying to get data has taken its.  I could not function on sunday. As in Mr.SM was talking to me and I could not understand or comprehend what he was saying. Thank fully the kitchen is finished I think. The painters came in today so I should be able to put the stove and fridge back in and cook upstairs! WOOHOO!! 

You would be very proud of me dear internets, as I put myself first this weekend and the weekend before. Instead of trying to kill myself going to family functions, getting the reno's done and seeing my parents, I said no. I need to do my work first. I have been trying to learn to put myself first without feeling guilt. And now, I am again sitting her at monkeys' class spending time putting together a blog post instead of figures.  Thats OK. I miss blogging. I miss the communication, the advice and the community.  But its been hard these past few months to find the time.  However I realize I need to for my sanity. 

My last post was ramble about working, being a mom and being happy in our choices. In barfing that post out onto the internets, I realized that any guilt I feel over my choices are not because of the monkey or Mr.SM, but because of comments, expectations and judgement from my family.  They don't appreciate, value or approve of my life choices. I work too hard, I don't spend enough time with them, I deprive them of their grand chid, I am not a good daughter like my sister.

I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it. I have realized that unless I do exactly what they want, they will not be happy. I can't do that. Especially not with my sister, who has decided that I am not worth her time or respect.

I do however have to figure out how to deal with my parents. How to rebuild a relationship whose trust is broken. My sister and I have not gotten along for awhile and they've always chosen her side. I firmly believe that they should not have gotten involved.  We are both they children, who were probably both wrong, but in my dad's eyes my sister is perfect and I"m a bad mom. What can you do?

Sorry I"m venting about stuff without going into details but I"m not sure how much detail I want to go into. And really what good would it do? It would just be a list of the ways she has wronged me, ways that maybe I have wronged her. But it doesn't change that she's never apologize for anything. Do I start with how she's purposely scared the living crap out of my child on halloween, or how she barely was able to say congratulations when I told her I was prego? How about not showing up for my grandfathers funeral or not coming by the house to pay her respects until 5 days after he passed?

Do you know what would happen if I did that? OMG it would be a continued indictment of how I am such a crappy sister and family member.

Usually the inlaws are the outlaws, but they have been nothing but awesome to me. I need to remember that.  I need to accept that stupidity and immaturity that is my sister and not let it get in my head.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I'm a #SciMom and hear me roar

I got that from Dr.O

So this is mash up of two themes going on in the bloggy world.   One about being a mom and a scientist (thanks Janet for the shout out) and another about being a mom who doesn't really do it all.

Be pre-warned that its a ramble. As I posted before, I've been under alot of pressure to get shit done before the release date and I'm going to just let it the thoughts role out while monkey is in a class.

Motherhood is a hard role to fill. Personally, I feel like its still the one role where women feel perfectly fine in judging and critiquing another choices. Its also still the role, where many of us feel like we still have to fill the traditional idea of what a good mom despite working or going to school full time.  Its why my parents feel like they can constantly tell me it would be better if I worked part time, or at least they told me that until I asked them why they never said that to Mr.SM.  Like the other #SciMoms, I love what I do. I get excited about the data. As frustrating as it is not to know WTF is going on, I love getting it, looking at and pushing the boundaries of our knowledge.  I've been known to dream of myself sitting at my desk looking at my data. I have woken up with the the thought "OMG xx is the answer!!!". All because of a dream about my data.

These statements do not diminish the love I have for my child either. Note, no one would even think that if Mr. SM made the above statements. But neither of us are suited to be stay at home parents. We don't have the patience or the energy. And quite frankly the monkey wouldn't enjoy it either. He is thriving have "other people raise him".  He loves his friends at daycare and does not stop talking about the plans they make and the fun they have. So I feel no guilt about it.

Its taken me a long time, but I've actually stopped feeling guilty about my choices. Especially since I realize that most of my guilt was coming from the my parents making comments that questioned my decision. Being constantly told that its important to be home for a child, to a child x,y,z, that I"m not making enough time for them was taking its toll. The thing is when I"m 80 years old and looking back at my life, I need to be happy with my choices. I also need to live the life that I want to role model for my child.

Currently, I probably do most childcare. I'm OK with this. Mr.SM was raised in a very traditional family and is very very liberated from that viewpoint. I do not clean washrooms, do laundry or wash dishes and floors. Monkey has no idea there is such a thing as gender roles.  He sees his dad help his mom cook and clean. His mom helps his dad lay down floors and install baseboards (while she is 30+ weeks prego, WTFFFFFF!!!!!!).  These things are important to me.

Monkey get home cooked meals. I hate processed food and its important to me to eat well. Yes we eat out (its been 6 days straight due to kitchen renos) but it is not a frequent occurance. Rarely do I eat premade frozen food. What we do eat is alot of leftovers. I will make a big meal on Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. This requires grocery shopping and planning, but its important to me so I do it.  But it means that we aren't doing something fun every weekend. We make time for things that are important to us - swimming lessons, hikes, skiing, walks with the dog etc.  We minimize are TV time. But we're not going on exotic vacations or spendings our days at the beach.

I'm OK with this. When my parents find out that we reno'd the house, they're going to wonder why we didn't send monkey away while we worked. Well we drop him off 5 days a week and would like our 2 days with him, even if we're doing construction. But also, its important for him to learn to contribute and that he is important in making our house work. At 4 he is able to help carry things into the house, run stuff between his dad and I.  He even helped hold baseboards in place while I nailed them in.

Well monkeys class is over so, theres my ramble.:)