Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Burnt out

I've burned out.  The last month of family functions, marking, home renovations and trying to get data has taken its.  I could not function on sunday. As in Mr.SM was talking to me and I could not understand or comprehend what he was saying. Thank fully the kitchen is finished I think. The painters came in today so I should be able to put the stove and fridge back in and cook upstairs! WOOHOO!! 

You would be very proud of me dear internets, as I put myself first this weekend and the weekend before. Instead of trying to kill myself going to family functions, getting the reno's done and seeing my parents, I said no. I need to do my work first. I have been trying to learn to put myself first without feeling guilt. And now, I am again sitting her at monkeys' class spending time putting together a blog post instead of figures.  Thats OK. I miss blogging. I miss the communication, the advice and the community.  But its been hard these past few months to find the time.  However I realize I need to for my sanity. 

My last post was ramble about working, being a mom and being happy in our choices. In barfing that post out onto the internets, I realized that any guilt I feel over my choices are not because of the monkey or Mr.SM, but because of comments, expectations and judgement from my family.  They don't appreciate, value or approve of my life choices. I work too hard, I don't spend enough time with them, I deprive them of their grand chid, I am not a good daughter like my sister.

I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it. I have realized that unless I do exactly what they want, they will not be happy. I can't do that. Especially not with my sister, who has decided that I am not worth her time or respect.

I do however have to figure out how to deal with my parents. How to rebuild a relationship whose trust is broken. My sister and I have not gotten along for awhile and they've always chosen her side. I firmly believe that they should not have gotten involved.  We are both they children, who were probably both wrong, but in my dad's eyes my sister is perfect and I"m a bad mom. What can you do?

Sorry I"m venting about stuff without going into details but I"m not sure how much detail I want to go into. And really what good would it do? It would just be a list of the ways she has wronged me, ways that maybe I have wronged her. But it doesn't change that she's never apologize for anything. Do I start with how she's purposely scared the living crap out of my child on halloween, or how she barely was able to say congratulations when I told her I was prego? How about not showing up for my grandfathers funeral or not coming by the house to pay her respects until 5 days after he passed?

Do you know what would happen if I did that? OMG it would be a continued indictment of how I am such a crappy sister and family member.

Usually the inlaws are the outlaws, but they have been nothing but awesome to me. I need to remember that.  I need to accept that stupidity and immaturity that is my sister and not let it get in my head.

5 comments:

Dilara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cath@VWXYNot? said...

Families can be so tough sometimes; everyone is so sure of the role and characteristics of each member (e.g. person X is the lazy one, person Y is the disorganised one, etc) that it becomes extreeeeeemely difficult to change people's minds and break out of that role, even after years of counterexamples.

Hang in there and keep looking after yourself. Hugs!

chall said...

I wrote a long comment and blogger ate it.

So sorry that it's hard with family. I know too that it's hard to please.... and thn again, I'm trying to remember that the only one I should try and please is myself. Well, that's easier said than done, right!?

I think you taking care of you and your sanity sounds great! Hug Monkey and Mr SM and look forward to little babymonkey too. hugs.

Girlpostdoc said...

@SM My relationship with my dad in his last few years was quite difficult for some of the reasons you stated. But you know, I believed I acted compassionately but firmly. I had decided what was best for me and my life and stood by it. It looks like you are doing the sa@SM My relationship with my dad in his last few years was quite difficult for some of the reasons you stated. But you know, I believed I acted compassionately but firmly. I had decided what was best for me and my life and stood by it. It looks like you are doing the same. You just need to have confidence in your choices. As for your sister, family comes in all shades and sizes and sometimes the best family is not the ones we were born with.

The bean-mom said...

Sorry to hear you've been having a tough time, SM. Family is supposed to be a source of support and comfort, and yet they can also be a source of such stress... I'm glad you've been taking time for yourself, of late. And when the time comes, your family will be there for you.
(*virtual hug*)