Monday, August 30, 2010

Full of anger

I am MAD and I am about to go on a ramble. Consider yourself warned.

This as probably been the shittiest summer that I can remember. I am angry, tired and frustrated. The ordeal with the comps started the anger and every thing else has just piled on top. It was bad enough being the interpreter and bearer of bad news with SMGrandPa, but on top of that I was dealing with trying to get information from sexist, condescending prick doctors. Then SM GrandPa died, in the most emotional roll coaster manner possible. Seriously, we had THREE false alarms before he passed. It sounds so cold and callous but having to prepare yourself for death 3 times in 3 days is mentally and emotionally exhausting. You get to point where you are thinking, OMG just die already and let us move on, which let me tell you is a horrible place to be. Because when grandpapa does die, peacefully thank God, you feel like shit. A whole fuck load of mixed up emotions run through you. Then you have to go through the whole planning a funeral while trying to explain to your child what is going on. Going to the SM house daily, dealing with everyone coming to pay they're respects. Having to deal with annoying SIL, not showing emotions because you need to be strong for SM Parents and Grandma. Not being able to breakdown at home because monkey will freak out be WTF why are you crying mommy? why are you sad? OR because Mr.SM is there and its his GF, so I need to be his rock. Tell WHO THE FUCK IS MY ROCK??!!!

I am angry because I didn't get a vacation, I didn't get to visit my BFF and her baby. And now i need to dive back into studying and TAing. Which means no fucking vacation till God knows when.

I am angry because you would think a death in the family would cement your belief in God as either existing or not, but no I am as conflicted as I was before hand, which I haven't really written about either, bc I have no fucking time to myself.

I need time to myself. I need everyone to fuck right off and leave me alone to pay my bills, clean my desk, watch some TruBlood and drink some OH.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Thank you.

I have always thought the best part of blogging, for me at least, was the comment threads. The conversations I have with my readers. The evolution of an idea through written comments.

Last week, I realized it was the support. The understanding. The empathy.

Grandfather SM passed away this past week. It sucked hard being the only with no hope. It sucked hard being the one to have to say, no really nothing can be done. No really he won't be going home. It sucked hard to realize that no matter how much I prepped myself, I wasn't really ready for him to die. No matter how much I knew it was/is better for him, I still want him here. For myself, my husband, my child, my family.

Since his death, life has been an non-stop go go go. Punjabi/Indian grieving customs are 1 part brilliant and 1 part crazy. Its been moments of sweet memories, interwined with crazy old ladies making me want to poke my eyes with a pencil, and its been less then 4 days.

I just wanted to thank everyone for their well wishes and expressions of sympathy. It really really has been a source of strength to check my email and see your support and encouragement. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Why I'm wishing I never went into science

My grandfather is dying. He will probably pass in today as they've stopped all meds, except the painkillers.
Although we knew he was getting weak and hadn't recovered fully from a bout of pneumonia last winter. We figured the warm summer months would keep him healthy over the summer, but that he would probably succumb to an infection during the cold and flu season of the winter months.

Then he collapsed. I spent all day at the local small hospital, advocating on his behalf (did I ever remember Zuska's many posts on trying deal with her moms many doctors). We were told that Grandpa SM had issue x that could be solved with surgery, but the surgery was risky. He would die without surgery and the surgery was 20x riskier. We were told he had a 20-30% chance of death, so of course we said do the surgery.
He was transferred to the major trauma center and we were told that he wouldn't survive surgery. I understood everything. All the medical jargon, I could listen in on their conversations and knew how dire the situation was.
And I have to communicate that to my husband and my in laws. How do you tell someone their father/grandfather is going to die and they must choose how he will die. With dignity and peace or trying every last measure to save him? How do you tell someone who hours before you assured that their father/grandfather would be ok with time is not going to be?
I am the only person who did biology. Out of my inlaws, only mr. Sm and I have gone to university. When I tell them that organ x has perforated, they don't understand what that means in terms of the poison running into Grandpa's body. They look at mr with hope on their eyes saying, but SM it will heal right? Right.
I know what is happening to my grandfather. I knew there was no hope. And I have to tell that.

Friday, August 6, 2010

White people should not write about brown people dating

Because try as they may, they get it wrong.

The print edition of todays Globe and mail has an article on South Asian online dating, which is so full of fail its ridiculous. Promoting stereotypes that parents arrange our marriages to picking who we date. I can not find the freaking article online and am too sick (I have the worst summer cold) to type everything out.

It is safe to say: we don't have arranged marriages. Yes we value family, yes we're modest, I'm not making out with my husband in front of my parents.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Scientist Dads Stepping Up - a New ScienceCareers?

Okay so there is a work-life balance carnival going on, or was going on yesterday over at LabSpaces. I found out about it thanks to DrugMonkey. I did thank DM for pointing it out, since you know I did cause that huge kerfuffle awhile ago....

Neways, I really did want to post about managing work-life balance and how I manage to be a grad student, mom, wife and person. Unfortunately I have no time. Because blogging is something I do as a "person" and there is very little me time right now. I listed those roles in their priority sequence. Mr.SM and me time are equal, neither is getting any...At work/school, I need to be a student and focused on studying, though that is a bit challenging after the whole comp debacle. At home, monkey needs me to be focused on him, the I have all the house chores to get done and so does Mr.SM.

Anyways, the point of me blogging mid-day is that Vijaysree Venkatraman shot me an email about her latest article in ScienceCareers. I have to say Five stars. She made sure to have pics of the male scientist being dads, talking about both the joys and challenges of being involved AND the Stigma. I am happy to see that the blogosphere was listened to. Here's to hoping this article is one of many and not just a one off.

Thanks to Vijee for sending it to me and giving me the heads up.

Monday, August 2, 2010


By now, most of you probably know that a good chunk of former and current SB bloggers along with others from our humble little science community have gotten together in a new Science blogging Collective, Scientopia. With all these new announcements, I think its time for some housecleaning. Now, don't anyone get all hot and excited thinking, lowly little SM is moving out. I have not been honored with an invite (hint hint in case anyone is reading!:))). Honestly though, I am pretty sure my infrequent posts, bad grammar / spelling and focus on all things monkey are probably not appropriate for a science based blog collective, but gal can wish can't she??

Neways, with all the moving around I figure I should update the links on the side bar along with google reader. So if you'd like a shout out, please let me know!