Wednesday, May 11, 2011

An Open Letter to my Mom

***Crossposted at Scientopia Guest Blog

Dear Mother,
Two weeks ago I invited you over for dinner, along with Dad bc you had not seen your grandson for about a month. The same amount of time it has been since Mr.SM's grandmother and parents have not seen their great/ grandson.  In march, after spending the whole weekend installing floors , still have a shit load of stuff to do and wanting to do nothing but sit on my couch with take out, I packed up my family and drove out 30 minutes to see you guys.  That night, just like the night 2 week ago, you did not ask me how I was doing. Was I feeling OK, did I need any help. How was the pregnancy. All you cared about was playing with monkey and figuring if you were going to have another grandson or finally get a granddaughter.
Except the night two weeks ago, you decided to guilt trip me about how little time you get with your grandson. You said you understood that Mr.SM and I work fulltime and only get the weekends to be a family but you still demanded, not asked but demanded that monkey sleep over at least 1x every 3 weeks. You know we have a lot going. You know that Mr.SM has a huge family, whom we are quiet close to. Yet you have the balls to say that monkey doesn't need to go to every extended family members function.  Guess what woman, you're extended family too. And yes he does need to go to the functions that we go to. We pick and choose what is important to for us to attend and if we feel it is important for Mr.SM and I to attend, it is important for our child(ren) to attend. This is how they learn the importance of family.
Instead of ensuring that in the final weeks of my pregnancy, I was relaxed and healthy. You decided to demand that since it works better for your holidays, my husband can go back to work right after his child is born.  When I refused and informed you that after my child was born, I would like the father of my child around, you chose to act is if I was some how insulting you. 
On Sunday, I left a scientific retreat, immediately after my talk to attend my nephews birthday. Do you know how pointless it is to give a talk and then not stick around to chat with colleagues about it? But I did that. Why? Because if I didn't you and my dear sister would use it as another example of how selfish I am, despite the fact that Mr.SM took monkey to the party on time. He did this, despite my sister never showing up for our grandfathers funeral or acknowledging in anyway, shape or form, the emotional trauma we may be dealing with after the fact. Despite completing disrespecting him at her FIL's funeral.
When her father-in-law recently passed away, we did our family responsibility. We did not do tit for tat.  We went to her MILs house the day of the death, we went to the funeral, to the prayer and back to her MILs house after. Even though my sister blatantly ignored both Mr.SM and myself.  She walked up to the man standing next to my husband and thanked him for coming. Then she looked at my husband and walked away. You know what I did? Nothing. I took, as I keep doing, taking the higher road.
It was Mothers Day on Sunday. Do you know that it was the 4th year that I have been a mother and you have not acknowledged that.  Despite this I still called you last week to ask if you wanted to come for dinner. I asked both my bitch sister and my brother to come. Understandably, my sister did not want to come since she was throwing a party that morning. Your son and other daughter (me) were going to be there. Notice that I was not having any time to spend with my child on mothers day? Because mothers day is not about me. its about you. 
At the party you noticed I was tired. Shit I wonder why I would be tired mother?  Did you ask me how I was feeling? Did I need any help? Nope. Nor would  you give me a straight answer on dinner. Later on you called that you were not coming and I was happy. I did not want to spend another evening with you. You choose not come. Remember that.
Do not send me an email at work 3 days later trying to guilt me about how mothers day is about family and how dare all of your children not be around you.. You know nothing about family. You only know how to try and use guilt to make me do what you want. I am slowly getting to a point where you can't push my buttons. You will be losing out because of that.

You ruined my day with your email and are adding stress that I don't need. I am done with you. I told you two weeks ago that I am done trying to make you happy. Now I am telling the world. Sunday was the last mothers day that was about you.  You will see your grandchild(ren). I will not poison them against you. Your access will be limited. The less they have to deal with your selfish and manipulating ways the better.  You will get to spend time with them 1/month for a few hours. Sorry you did this. not me.
Your daughter


Girlpostdoc said...

Wow. Good for you. Big virtual hug.

chall said...

ah. Sorry to read this - not bc you wrote it but that the situation seems bad. I'm so sorry about the guilting and all the egotism.... I can only say I recognize it to a certain point.

All the hugs!! Try and relax and be happy for the second child. And Monkey and MrSM!

[as a side note, i think it is imperative that 'we' remember the "you(mom/family) chose this by making it either my way or no way" when I've tried to make it but at some point both have got to try....]

The bean-mom said...

Oh, SM.

It's good for you to focus on yourself, your new baby and your immediate family right now. This is such a stressful time (I know!) and you *don't* need this drama right now. Do what you can to care for yourself... and after the baby is born, you may well be surprised and grateful for how your parents and extended family rally to help out.


FrauTech said...

Definitely time to back away. I assume there's nothing that prevents her from driving to visit you, you can alternate once per month you go to her place and once per month you invite her out to yours. If she chooses not to come that's her choice. Though once a month sounds like more than she deserves.

Shari said...

aw crud. You have a parent like that too, huh. And you are pregnant - what a narcissistic situation you are dealing with at the Worst possible time.

I have a parent who takes umbrage at the family events for my hubby's family (10 minutes away), and how rarely we attend his (4 hrs away). I've bit back how we feel about his non-attendance at his grand-children's events, despite the fact that he only has 2 gk's in state and they are mine.

I only deal with him as needed, haven't taken the steps you have. But I utterly sympathize and empathize with what you have done and why. Sorry to hear you have a sib on the same bandwagon as your mum.

I sincerely wish good health for you - it should be easier without additional parental stress! Take good care of you and yours.

Cath@VWXYNot? said...

Ugh. I'm mad on your behalf. Well done you for making the brave decision to step back.

Anonymous said...

I understand about guilt-inducing mothers. Funny thing is, life will change to the point where this will no longer be an issue for you. My mother died two years ago, and I do miss her very much. At the same time, it's still taking me some time to let go of the feelings that I should do things the way she expected me to do them. You are a successful woman who seems to have it all. Do what you need to do. I wish you compassion for yourself and for your mother. Take care of yourself and your family first. Then the rest falls into place.