Friday, April 2, 2010

I should be proud and happy

But I'm sad. I feel so sad.

Mr.SM really really really wanted to get a few more ski trips in, so we're up at our cabin for the Easter Long weekend. Since I really really have to get this proposal finished (initial draft sent and received back), I was not willing to come. It was negotiated that I would come up and spend time with the family in the evenings, while the "boys" would ski during the day. Monkey's skiing consisted of going to daycare and having a 1 hour lesson.

This was a hard decision as I strongly feel that when we're away from home monkey's shouldn't be in daycare. Yes go in ski camps etc but he's in daycare all week, all year so these vacay days he shouldn't be in. Plus I wasn't sure how he would react to a new place.

Well ran in to the care place with NO issues - which I was actually happy about.
Mr.SM just picked him up and apparently my little monkey LOVED it and went down the BIG HILL!!!! This was his first time on ski's and he's bombing down the mountain!!! The little majic carpet was either broken or the wind made the conditions not very good there, so the instructor took my little boy, LITTLE boy up the chair lift and down the big mountain the FIRST TIME. And my child LOVED it.

I should be happy about this is, but I'm not.

I'm terrified because my child is my heart. And like me at his age, he has no fear. Have you been on a ski hill? Have you seen those freaking 2 foot speed demons bombing down the runs? Have you not seen the nutty thing kids do! My child will do those. I haven't nicked name him monkey just for kicks. And so I'm a terrified. I will not say anything. I will be proud of him and I will cheer him on and I will pray all day long.

I should be proud of him, how much fun he's having. But my little boy is now that much bigger and I am sad. I haven't posted much about how much he's growing, how independent he's getting. How he doesn't need me anymore. Yes I know he needs me, but not in that you're my security and I don't like it when you're not around way. Yes I know its good and its great to have the freedom. It is nice to know I can go away and he's OK. But it also hurts just that little bit. That little bit that I don't acknowledge. Its just happening too fast


Arlenna said...

Oh, I feel for you. I can just start to imagine how it will be in a couple of years for us. I already felt that way a little when I got to the daycare after the first day and she was absolutely fine and had had a lovely day. Hang in there mama! These little painful parts are the bittersweet reasons for it all.

Maggie May said...

I know. It goes by so fast. Love him fiercely openly daily and honestly and you will have no regrets.

Fia said...

Oh, dear. It will always be like this, until they reach their thirties, I fear. Maybe even longer. That's our fate. But, remember, we choose it for a reason.

The bean-mom said...

Oh, I understand, I do.

(And how old is Monkey now? We tried to get Bean-girl on skis last year--she was four--and she would have none of it.)

ScienceGirl said...

Oooh, my Little One is just 3 weeks old, and I can already see her changing so much... I am trying to take in as much of her as I can, and brace myself for the flying time. Hang in there!

ScientistMother said...

Arlenna - Its silly, we should be so happy that they're fine and we are, but you sometimes wish they would cry for you just a bit....but then the guilt would be horrible, we're never happy.

MaggieMay - Monkey gets lots of love, sometimes I think he's annoyed by the amount of hugs and kisses he gets but its better to love them too much then not enough

Fia - We did choose it for a reason. My brother is laughing at me and telling me to just havin another one!

BeanMom - we basically took him to the mountain, showed him all the cool things people can do on ski's and then said he was too small to do it!

SG - soak in as much as you can! I remember wishing I had a camera tapped to my head so can go record all his cuteness.

microbiologist xx said...

I can barely watch kids play on the playground without feeling like I am having a stroke. They just constantly look like they are about to hurt themselves. A ski slope - holy shit.