Burnt out

I've burned out.  The last month of family functions, marking, home renovations and trying to get data has taken its.  I could not function on sunday. As in Mr.SM was talking to me and I could not understand or comprehend what he was saying. Thank fully the kitchen is finished I think. The painters came in today so I should be able to put the stove and fridge back in and cook upstairs! WOOHOO!! 

You would be very proud of me dear internets, as I put myself first this weekend and the weekend before. Instead of trying to kill myself going to family functions, getting the reno's done and seeing my parents, I said no. I need to do my work first. I have been trying to learn to put myself first without feeling guilt. And now, I am again sitting her at monkeys' class spending time putting together a blog post instead of figures.  Thats OK. I miss blogging. I miss the communication, the advice and the community.  But its been hard these past few months to find the time.  However I realize I need to for my sanity. 

My last post was ramble about working, being a mom and being happy in our choices. In barfing that post out onto the internets, I realized that any guilt I feel over my choices are not because of the monkey or Mr.SM, but because of comments, expectations and judgement from my family.  They don't appreciate, value or approve of my life choices. I work too hard, I don't spend enough time with them, I deprive them of their grand chid, I am not a good daughter like my sister.

I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it. I have realized that unless I do exactly what they want, they will not be happy. I can't do that. Especially not with my sister, who has decided that I am not worth her time or respect.

I do however have to figure out how to deal with my parents. How to rebuild a relationship whose trust is broken. My sister and I have not gotten along for awhile and they've always chosen her side. I firmly believe that they should not have gotten involved.  We are both they children, who were probably both wrong, but in my dad's eyes my sister is perfect and I"m a bad mom. What can you do?

Sorry I"m venting about stuff without going into details but I"m not sure how much detail I want to go into. And really what good would it do? It would just be a list of the ways she has wronged me, ways that maybe I have wronged her. But it doesn't change that she's never apologize for anything. Do I start with how she's purposely scared the living crap out of my child on halloween, or how she barely was able to say congratulations when I told her I was prego? How about not showing up for my grandfathers funeral or not coming by the house to pay her respects until 5 days after he passed?

Do you know what would happen if I did that? OMG it would be a continued indictment of how I am such a crappy sister and family member.

Usually the inlaws are the outlaws, but they have been nothing but awesome to me. I need to remember that.  I need to accept that stupidity and immaturity that is my sister and not let it get in my head.

I'm a #SciMom and hear me roar

I got that from Dr.O. 

So this is mash up of two themes going on in the bloggy world.   One about being a mom and a scientist (thanks Janet for the shout out) and another about being a mom who doesn't really do it all.

Be pre-warned that its a ramble. As I posted before, I've been under alot of pressure to get shit done before the release date and I'm going to just let it the thoughts role out while monkey is in a class.

Motherhood is a hard role to fill. Personally, I feel like its still the one role where women feel perfectly fine in judging and critiquing another choices. Its also still the role, where many of us feel like we still have to fill the traditional idea of what a good mom despite working or going to school full time.  Its why my parents feel like they can constantly tell me it would be better if I worked part time, or at least they told me that until I asked them why they never said that to Mr.SM.  Like the other #SciMoms, I love what I do. I get excited about the data. As frustrating as it is not to know WTF is going on, I love getting it, looking at and pushing the boundaries of our knowledge.  I've been known to dream of myself sitting at my desk looking at my data. I have woken up with the the thought "OMG xx is the answer!!!". All because of a dream about my data.

These statements do not diminish the love I have for my child either. Note, no one would even think that if Mr. SM made the above statements. But neither of us are suited to be stay at home parents. We don't have the patience or the energy. And quite frankly the monkey wouldn't enjoy it either. He is thriving have "other people raise him".  He loves his friends at daycare and does not stop talking about the plans they make and the fun they have. So I feel no guilt about it.

Its taken me a long time, but I've actually stopped feeling guilty about my choices. Especially since I realize that most of my guilt was coming from the my parents making comments that questioned my decision. Being constantly told that its important to be home for a child, to a child x,y,z, that I"m not making enough time for them was taking its toll. The thing is when I"m 80 years old and looking back at my life, I need to be happy with my choices. I also need to live the life that I want to role model for my child.

Currently, I probably do most childcare. I'm OK with this. Mr.SM was raised in a very traditional family and is very very liberated from that viewpoint. I do not clean washrooms, do laundry or wash dishes and floors. Monkey has no idea there is such a thing as gender roles.  He sees his dad help his mom cook and clean. His mom helps his dad lay down floors and install baseboards (while she is 30+ weeks prego, WTFFFFFF!!!!!!).  These things are important to me.

Monkey get home cooked meals. I hate processed food and its important to me to eat well. Yes we eat out (its been 6 days straight due to kitchen renos) but it is not a frequent occurance. Rarely do I eat premade frozen food. What we do eat is alot of leftovers. I will make a big meal on Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. This requires grocery shopping and planning, but its important to me so I do it.  But it means that we aren't doing something fun every weekend. We make time for things that are important to us - swimming lessons, hikes, skiing, walks with the dog etc.  We minimize are TV time. But we're not going on exotic vacations or spendings our days at the beach.

I'm OK with this. When my parents find out that we reno'd the house, they're going to wonder why we didn't send monkey away while we worked. Well we drop him off 5 days a week and would like our 2 days with him, even if we're doing construction. But also, its important for him to learn to contribute and that he is important in making our house work. At 4 he is able to help carry things into the house, run stuff between his dad and I.  He even helped hold baseboards in place while I nailed them in.

Well monkeys class is over so, theres my ramble.:) 

Before I get into the midwife thing.

Okay, so once again its been awhile since I've posted. In my defense, I'm busy people. Between kitchen reno's, lab work, family and well being anemic, blogging as been low on the priority wheel. Don't worry though, soon enough I'll be on mat leave and blogging up a storm! Hahahahaha!

Alright, so many of you are wondering about the whole midwife vs GP vs OB/GyN thingy and I'm going to get to that the next post. I just want to make a few things clear. I live north of the 49th parallel. Why is this important? Because up here, we get universal health care.  Its not perfect and things slip through the cracks, but in general you won't be seeing commericials like this up here:



Yes we fundraise for our hospitals, but for equipment NOT TO PROVIDE CARE.  Why am I saying this up front? Because I have the luxury to not only choose whether I want a midwife or a GP, which hospital I want to deliver at, with out having to shell out cash from my take home income. That is a luxury I  not  everyone in the USA gets.  In the spirit of full disclosure I wanted to (1) let you know that having government funded universal health care makes my decisions about what health option I want easier as I don't have worry about whether I can afford it or not.  (2) This is your opportunity to troll and call me a communist for celebrating and promoting universal healthcare.  I will delete any and all comments regarding the communism of universal healthcare in the next post. full stop. There are somethings I will debate and admit there are shades of grey on. On this issue I can not. I can not see how it is OK for a wealthy nation, that can afford to pay billions and billions of dollars on military machines, to ask its citizens to choose between getting needed health care or shelter/food/clothing. This is not an issue that has shades of grey for me.

I am watching and reading what is happening down there in awe. And I am terrified of it spreading up here. Go ahead call me a communist. This is your chance.

Pulled apart

I know I owe you all a post on why I chose a midwife, and I will. Possibly today since I'm playing hooky from the lab.

I spent all weekend installing new floors in our kitchen and an adjoining room. Every muscle in my body hurts and I"m exhausted. My house looks like a tornado has gone through it. Our upstairs stove and fridge is sitting on our front stoop, I'm going up and down the stairs 100x time in a 30 minute period trying to cook downstairs, but with everything but stove and fridge upstairs, this is after being on my hands and knees for 2 days laying down floors.  did I mention I'm 26.5 weeks prego???!!! WTF!

I also have a shit load of marking to do, data analyis, and data collection. I have personal finances, taxes to do. I have family functions I need to attend and help with. Oh and I have a 4 year old who I actually enjoy spending time with.  I have not seen friends in months and I can't even fathom when I will have time to.  I can't even find time for myself.All these different obligations are making me feel like I"m  being pulled apart. Each arm and leg is going in a different direction.

Between personal and "professional" obligations, I'm feeling like I am barely keeping my head above water...again. Which is why I bailed today on the lab. The scope is down, monkey woke up really late and I"m exhausted. I figure we'll run a bunch of errands today ie buy groceries, get the dogs license, moisturizer, nail gun, baby shower gift.  then I'll mark tonight and catch up on rest.  Okey dokey off to the races...

Don't say no one ever told you.

For the time first ever, I am going to write out my birthing experience of monkey. I'm doing this for a variety of reasons. (1) I want my story out there for subsequent posts I would like to do on the use of midwifery in women's health. Before I can do that, I need to have my experience out there to refer to. In follow up posts I will discuss why I choose a midwife over "traditional" medicine etc. (2) So none of you can claim to be going into the decision to push a child out your nether regions uninformed.

It taken me 4+ years to discuss what happened when monkey decided to pop out of my nether regions.  I don't really know why since I don't remember being traumatized by it.  Was it hell? OH HELL YES!!! It it was long painful and excruciating. To the point that when I think of giving birth, I reflexively cross my legs. Know I haven't thought about what its going to be like for the inmate.  However, I also remember knowing I would do it again, without question, minutes after that little boy was in my arms.  Apparently, according to my midwife, the notes from my last birth said it was traumatic. 

How did the labor start? Without me knowing. I was over a week late and at the midwife getting checked out and making sure everything was OK. They also massage the cervix to try and prep you.  When I arrived, she measure my belly and was immediately concerned that there was a change from the 3 days prior (when you're late you have to go in frequently).  Each midwifery practice has about 3-4 midwifes that all see you as the individual who delivers your baby depends on who is on call at the time, so the midwife I was seeing, called the one I had seen 3 days earlier to make sure she wasn't mis-reading the chart etc. She double, triple checked to make sure I was safe.  Since there was a change in my tummy size, possibly indicating a loss of amionitic fluid (not good) she sent me off to the hospital. She would've driven me there herself, but I did not want to leave my vehicle there and I really really needed to stop off for some Wendy's.

MW met me at the hospital and I was taken in to get an ultrasound done to ensure baby was OK and then I was set up on a fetal monitor for over an hour.  Everything seemed OK and from the monitoring it looked like I was in labor - not that I could feel it.

I was at the hospital pretty late, so hubby and awesome BIL picked up some greek food and we chilled out. I started to get pretty uncomfortable and thought maybe I had over eaten ( I LOVE souvalki).   At some point during the night I felt this incredible urge to take a shit, but nothing came out. This happened a couple time before I remembered that the feeling of having to do a number 2 is a sign of labor.

I had begun early labor at ~ 11pm on a friday.  All night, every hour or so I would get contractions.  All morning, I would get contractions 10 minutes apart for about 2 hours, then nothing and then they would start up again. These were HELL contractions, doubling over in pain, radiating from the small of back all around.  My MW kept in touch with me all day via phone advising me to conserve my energy, to eat and drink well.

At 6 pm on saturday they contractions started 5-6 min apart and got into the bathtub to try and get some relief. The midwife arrived at my house with 30 minutes. Turned off the bathroom lights, lit some candles for a more soothing atmosphere and had my husband keep a pot of water on the stove hot.  Her and Mr.SM took turns pouring water down my back, keeping the water warm, making sure I didn't slip under the water as I dozed off.  I was probably in the tub for 4+ hours. The only reason I got out, was that it was uncomfortable. If it had been bigger, I would've stayed in.  Oh and I puked about 3 times in that period.

I needed to sleep so I went to my king size bed and slept as much as I could. Mr.SM and MW dozed as much as they could in between the contractions and counter pressure. I was progressing very very slowing. At 3 am the pain was getting to much and I wanted to go to the hospital. The MW tried convincing me to go back into my tub - I should've listened to her.

I didn't want that. I was in pain and I wanted to drugs so she took me to the hospital where I was pre-registered. I immediately went into the shower, which only had a hard cold tile floor to sit on. I wished I was back at home.  I was having major back labor. Monkey's head was on my tail bone and it was excruciating.  I was progressing very slowly.  There was no anesthetist available till 7 am so I could not get an epidural till then.  By this time, there were two MW's there and it was up to me & Mr. SM to decide if we wanted to wait or if I wanted to try fentanyl with NO.  I chose the fentanyl.

At 1 pm Sunday (yes I started on friday) I was exhausted, the contractions were slowing, my water had still not broken and I was only 9 cm dilated.  I was frustrated because my body was giving out. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I was the one who hiked up crazy mountains 5 month prego. I was running till I was 8 months. I was fit. I was strong. WTF!!! Frustrated and dejected I told MR.SM to just cut the child out of me.  At some point the MW wanted me to try and push even though I had no urge. I think she wanted to try and get some movement happening.

Thankfully he knew better. He talked me off the ledge.  The MW really really wanted to me to try letting her give picotin to try and get my labor going especially since the OB/GyN who she called in for a consult would not try forcep or vacuum unless I progressed more.

Since Mr.SM knew that I really really didn't want a C-section and since monkey was not in trouble - I was just exhausted, he OK'd the administration of picotin and waiting to recall the OB.  It was going to take 30 minutes to get the OR ready anyway so they figured they might as well get me going again.

The picoten worked. I felt the urge to push, something I was feeling before. Unfortunately I had already been signed over to the OB who ended up giving me an epidural. Why I'm not sure as it "didn't take" according the anesthesiologist and would only take "the edge" off.  Because I had progressed significantly (thanks to the picotin) the OB didn't do the surgery and used a vacuum to help monkey out.  For some reason I still ended up with third degree tears  perineal tear - perineal skin, muscles and anal sphincter are torn). I've been told by some dr that OB's should be able to prevent such severe but I don't know. 

The midwife apologized after as she felt she gave poor advice in getting me to push when my body wasn't ready and in not getting me an epidural. I was very happy with the care I was given. My only regret is getting the epidural. It didn't take and resulted in me being kept from by baby for >1 hr in recovery.  After monkey was born, all I got was a bundled up look for less than 2 minutes before he was whisked away with Mr.SM and I was put in recovery. 

The first people Mr.SM saw with monkey were his father and mine. They cried and held each other. My MIL got to cuddle with my child before I did. This pisses me off.

Now that I'm done writing this, I'm glad I did. It will help me remember what I want and why. I've been told this birth should be easier....I guess we'll find that out sometime this summer :)




 

Do I take the Dog or not! help help help!

OK, so here's the dealio - this evening we're heading out to our ski condo up in the interior. Its a long drive (>6hours) and it can get pretty cold when we're driving up. We take our a 4 passenger pick up truck, which has no room for the dog crate inside. 

Originally we were supposed to purchase a canopy for the truck, so we woudn't have to worry about our little gal (little for a pure bred german shepherd) getting cold on the drive up. However, because the cost of the canopy is a little high and we have to save for the added cost of the inmate, we haven't put the money into it.  However, I can purchase a blanket to wrap around her crate and then put a tarp over it to prevent the wind from going through. Her crate would be locked up against two walls of the truck bed as well to prevent cold from going through. I think she should be fine in terms of temperature.  She's a german shepherd with the a thick coat who is used to staying outside. My biggest concern is the windchill, but I think the precautions I"m taking should keep the wind chill out.


I really really really want to take her up with us. Monkey can only ski for half the day and it'll give him something to do in the afternoon - playing with her in the snow.  It will force me to get my ass off the couch and go for a walk in the morning prior trying to get some work done.  My concerns are that she is an outside dog and we have no yard in our unit. Therefore, when I'm not outside she would have to be crated. I know lots of people crate their dogs overnight or while they're at work and I have no issues with it. I just feel bad because she normally has a whole yard to play and run around in.  Is it kinder to leave her home by herself or take her with us and have her crated for longer than she normally is???

I'm so torn. I've been taking her with me to the local mountain when monkey is skiing with his daddy and she loves it. I feel like whatever decision I make, I'm going to do wrong by her...help me!

So Cath really just wanted to brag

So this monday, I'm minding my own business at the lab, studiously working away to try and find out where on my gene of interest a particular insert has been inserted.  The organization that inserted the exon (Fly trap - which makes freaking awesome tool for us!) has the information in one format, but our database (FlyBase - slow, but rocks and is run by volunteers) does not have it. This makes it difficult to compare where the insertion is relative to others IF you're a newbie to reading DNA like me  - leave me alone, I do more cell biology and was not trained as a molecular biologist or anything close as an undergrad.!!!!!

I was struggling to figure out what I needed when I  tweeted a request for FlyTrap and FlyBase to better communicate, which led to a reply from Cath:

I thought, Cath was just sending me an innocent reminder (though she did neglect to wish me a happy birthday, should've been my first clue!).  However, upon checking out the standings, I realize that she just wanted to be able to gloat about how well she did last week. Top point earner of the week AND edged past me for third place.   Not much has changed other than Ricardipus is now tied with Bob for 3rd. Hopefully I will not forget to change my picks again and will actually have a hope of kicking Cath back behind me again.