I Love him

I do. But he moves as slow as molasses (just like his dad) which drives me nuts. It tests my patience constantly. Especially when I have stuff to get done. Combine that with the persistent asking of why and then mommy mommy uhm. Well on a good day, it's enough to make me grind my teeth and be exasperated. On days like today, when I'm tired and generally frustrated with the school and family shit that is going on, it's enough to put me in an asylum.

The dealio

First of all I want to sincerely say thank you to everyone for the kinds words, thoughts and offers of private venting. It is so great to know that I have such an awesome cheering section.

I know you're probably wondering what happened to piss me off so much and some of you may know because (1) you're a facebook friend (2) you know me in meatspace. I am going to reveal what happened because (a) almost everyone at school knows (2) for any grad students that may be reading.

I was angry because my PI pulled the plug on my comps. She gave me the choice, but didn't believe I would pass and didn't want me to go through that experience. I'm no idiot, so when my PI strongly advices something I tend to listen. But I was pissed. I've been busting my ass trying to get the mock grant ready, studying my ass off and not spending time with my kid. I've been putting off personal life stuff until my comps were over and its just going to be delayed more.
I am angry because I am embarrassed that I couldn't get it done. Others have gotten ready for their comps in 6 weeks and I couldn't do it. I see this as a failure. I don't deal well with failure very well.
I am angry because I was not aware of all the different subjects I had to study. I know my shit. I know the shit that my committee told me to study. I don't know the "other shit" my PI expected me to know. She never told me that I needed to know that shit. I know she never told me because I take notes at every meeting. "Other shit" was not written down.
I am angry because there was a communication breakdown and ultimately its my fault.
I am angry because every week I was reviewing with a postdoc and a research associate, and they thought I had a solid understanding but they didn't know I needed to know this "other shit".
I am angry because its not their responsibility to know what I need to know - I know its my fucking responsibility.
I am angry because if I don't know I'm going down the wrong path, how am I supposed to ask for help.
I met with my PI we made a plan and worked my ass off. Except she didn't mention "other shit" I need to know. So when she realized days before (because she never attended the review sessions until I asked) that I was missing stuff, she pulled the plug.
I am angry because I thought I was being responsible. I talked to her, met with committee members for detailed breakdowns and pushed hard. Except when the time came to show I was ready, I wasn't because I didn't know "other shit" that I wasn't told. I should tell you that I know some shit because I realized that although no one mentioned it, it would be good to know. But not being told I need to know "other shit" is not an excuse because (according to PI's I have spoken to) it was my responsibility to know that I needed to know the other shit. Which makes me feel likes it a circular arguement, in that is my responsibility to ask or I'm supposed to just know, but if I don't know, how do I know I don't know? How do I know I"m supposed to ask?

I don't hate my PI. I really like her and I know she looks out for me. I also know that most PI's believe graduate students need to be responsible for their own shit. I try to be a responsible independent, mature grad student. But sometimes its just too fucking much. This whole attitude of its the graduates student responsibility to be in charge of their own degree pisses me off. Why are you there as a PI if everything is my responsibility. When I ask my PI friends what the fuck their responsibility is, they have no answer. When I ask for an explanation of what I did wrong, they say their is no point in placing blame. Which makes me angry. I am angry because I think my PI thought she didn't need to hold my hand and I proved her wrong.

In case you haven't figured out. I just basically angry at the whole fucked up situation. Yes I'm trying to look on the positives. Yes I know its for the best. Doesn't make me any less angry.

Yes I have met with her again to outline what I need to know, wrote everything out and gave it back to her to review. I know 90% of what is on there, which makes me even more angry.

I am angry everytime I sit down to study. I don't think I will get over my anger.

Moving foward

How do you get over being angry and dis-appointed? Something has happened, the details of which I'm not sure I want to blog. Its save to say that I am really really angry and frustrated at the situation and as much as I'm trying not to do the blame game and the comparison game, its going on in my head.

I"m frustrated because I no longer know who's reading and I don't want to say anything that will bite me in the ass. Which is doubling frustrating because this was my venue to get advice and comfort. This blog was what go me through having to decide whether to quit science, find a new supervisor etc.

who / what do I turn to if I can't turn to my blog?
how do I just get it over the feelings and focus on what needs to be done?

I miss my monkey

I've spent all day in the library studying and will be doing that all this weekend, next week and next weekend.

its the first day and I miss my kid already. Can't wait to go home and have him give me a big hug...Sadly it will only be for a bit before I have to study again....

I hate PhysioProf

I know I shouldn't say that, its probably going to make a bunch of trolls come out and get annoyed with me. But I can't help it. Right now, I hate the esteemed CPP. Why do I hate him? Because he's in my fucking head and I want him to get out. Get the fuck OUT of my head!!
I want to be mad. I want to bitch and whine and complain about the fact that I am going on Version 1020 of this stupid fucking grant (at least it feels like I've revised it 10 million freaking times). I do not want to be writing, I am sick of it and I want to focus on studying and learning. But every time I think that, what do I hear in my head? Fucking CPP and his stupid annoying post about the writing process. Don't ask me how I hear him, since I've never heard him freaking talk, but I tell you I hear him. Every single time I get annoyed, I hear:

"you frequently learn some important shit while off on those detours. Consequently, it is fucking absurd to look back and in hindsight consider any non-linear path to the destination to have been a “waste of time"

Do you see my dilemma? He's fucking right. So every time I want to bitch and complain that I don't have time for this writing shit, I need to be learning. I can't. I hear CPP telling me that I am learning through this writing process. Which pisses me off. My head and this blog are the two places in which I can bitch and moan. Its hard to bitch and moan when someone is telling you that you have nothing to complain.

No I can't not bitch about my PI either. She is absolutely brilliant at making the harshest criticisms come out fair and right. Plus all her suggestions are good and will close up in holes that my committee would poke. I know all this. I know its good for me, I know everyone is helping me to succeed. But you know what? I am tired and I want to whine and moan. But CPP isn't letting me.

Whatch looking willis?

The who are and why are you here meme as started again. I think the readership has maybe changed over the last year, so go ahead, introduce yourself!

Joel Stein the idiot.

So I'm not going to do much other than point you to Samia, to get the links the totally not-funny Joel Stein article in Times.

I haven't linked to the article because there is no where that I could find to leave comments. Quite frankly I don't want to send readers there, if they can't express there disgust at him lamenting about the loss of his white suburb to us dotheads, yes he did use that God awful phrase.

For those of you who thought I got all defensive with GMP's cultural diversity post (which never should have been called a post on cultural diveristy) for no reason, really should think about how you're funny comments affect those of us who have dealt with this shit all our lives.

FUCK YOU joel stein.