For my non twitter / FB peeps

I passed. According to PI I kicked some freaking ass. I don't agree but I don't think my opinion matters.

Yeah yeah you knew I would, yada yada yada:))))

Love too y'all for all your support and hugs.



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In need of nominations

hey blog peeps.

My department would like to nominate a female scientist for an honorary degree. Need ideas fast!

Teetering on the brink

Mr.SM and I are teetering on the brink.

We've both been through alot this past summer. I haven't been blogging much, what with the cancellation of the first comp exam, the two dead grandfathers and now my 'second" exam coming up in two days.  There hasn't been alot of time for blogging.  That's just whats happened to me.
Mr.SM has been having his  own personal issues balancing the family business with work, quitting his job to work with the family fulltime only to realize he can't work with the family fulltime because of personality conflicts with family members.  We're both stressed. We both have no time to help or support the other.  Our communication has hit a all time low. 

I feel done with him.

Which is not an easy place to be. I love him, he's the father of my child but I wonder if I'm in love with him still.  To say these are not issues that I need to or want to be dealing with 2 days before my exam is an understatement. Unfortunately, stress brings out either the best or worst in us and right now all that I'm seeing is our weaknesses. His weaknesses.

Everyone keeps saying it will get better once the stress subsides, but we've had some major fights. some hurtful things were said and I'm not the best at letting things go.

All his negative points keep blaring in front of me. The more I complain, the more upset he gets because he's never good enough. Probably because his priorities aren't the same as mine. Probably because I'm telling exactly what I need from him and he's not doing it.

He's a workaholic and I hate that. I hate that our child thinks daddy's always to busy working. I hate our lack of family time.  I hate how his work is always more important or his need to relax or his something or the other.

I know we need to communicate. But I don't want to. I just don't want him around. I'm at a point where I don't see a benefit to having him around. He's nothing more than a companion that is giving me more stress than enjoyment.

Isn't that sad?

#womeninscience - Dr. Margaret Oakley Dayhoff

Anyone who is in the large (sub)field of biology / bioinformatics heck probably even chemistist who work on biological materials know the one letter codes for the 20 essential amino acids. How many of you know who came up with code and why?

Well it was Dr. Margaret Oakley Dayhoff, biochemist / biophysicist and one of the pioneers of what is now known as bio-informatics. I only learned of her this summer when I was figuring out a way to relearn all the one letter codes. I am sad that it took me so long to learn of her. Some one so accomplished really should be better known and the cynic in me thinks that if she was a white guy, she would be. She is the Grand Dame of Bioinformatics.

Some of the highlights from her website:

• Among Dr. Dayhoff’s many contributions to science, the one she is most known for is the creation of computerized protein and DNA sequence databases, (Who doesn't use those?!) which were developed because of her research interests in bio-molecular evolution.
• Her work produced statistical and computational methods for studying protein and nucleic acid structures that were critical to a large number of practical applications in the healing sciences, including the production of useful substances through genetic engineering

Well now you all know her too.

Fuck you Biology

***warning TMI

I feel like my vagina is being ripped apart. I currently am hating the fact that I am female.

the feeling that there is a vice between my legs, pulling apart my vaj jay is reminding me of the hell that was my birthing experience. it is making me rethink my desire to have a second child.

also I have decided that the guiding hand principle may be correct, because seriously how is this menstruation thing necessary for survival? Oh yeah and the guiding hand belongs to a male with a sick sense of humor or at least some one that hates women. Because no woman would've designed / evolved their own bodies to go through this or birth.

Pushing a >7 lb child out was not pleasant. As much as I want another child, this current pain is making me cross my legs, look at my husband and say don't even think out about sticking anything inside me.

that is all.

Bad Mom Moment

I lost my cool today. For the first time in >3.5 years, I screamed and yelled at my child. I used foul language. He was shaking he was so scared.

As I look back at it, hours later I can see all the places I went wrong and keep wondering what the fuck happened to me?

I know why I was mad. He locked the washroom stall door. I told him to open it and he refused. I could see him sitting on the toilet, pants off jacket still curling under his bum. I knew what was going to happen.
I asked him to unlock the door. He refused.
Then he couldn't get his jacket off. He knew poopoo was coming but wouldn't open the door. I refused to crawl underneath. What is that teaching him about listening and consequences? I believe that was the right thing to do.

The wrong thing was losing it when he threw his jacket out, with the inside smeared with poo. Seriously what was the big deal? We'd take it home and wash it. Looking back, I should've said, you made your jacket dirty because you didn't unlock the door like I asked. Now we're leaving the park to go home.

Instead, I got mad. I yelled at, told him to open the door. He said No I'm going poo poo. For some reason, I LOST it. I yelled at him to open the God Damn fucking door now. I had never screamed or sworn when I talked to him before.

Poor kid started crying because the poo fell into his underwear, because I was mad, because we had to go home. It was horrible. Apparently my sister heard him outside. I feel so bad. I don't know what happened to me. I rarely yell, let alone scream. I hate yelling and screaming.

We got home and I cleaned him up. I apologized for getting mad. I explained that I was really really frustrated because I knew the jacket was going to get stuck and was really upset that he didn't open the door when I asked. Still I scared the shit out of him and myself.

I know he'll be fine. I know he knows how much I love him and every one has there moments. However, I've been trying really hard to be the level headed, calm, rational mom I never had.

UGH. I might sleep in his big boy bed with him tonight. more for myself then him..

Because I don't already procrastinate enough

I have joined the twitterverse. I have no idea how to use this thing and probably won't play with it really till after C-day (D day is reserved for the defense day somewhere in the future). I guess I should put the twitter thingy on the right hand side, but that will have to wait...

On a lighter note

Mr.SM and I needed a break from all the crazy that has been going on in our lives, which included a break from each other.

He's taken the boy off for a bit of outdoor fun and I've stayed home to "study". I've been quite successful if studying includes taking a 2 hour nap, making dinner, hanging out with friends and watching some Law and order while drinking wine.

Whateves, lets all agree that I needed and deserved a mental health break.

Now I'm watching, Underworld:Rise of the lycans. Like any good nerd/geek/scientist, I love my scifi and I especially love my vampire, werewolf movies/books/shows (Eric Northman you can take me anytime!). Since I've read and watched many vampire / werewolve type stuff, I'm pretty used to liberties being taken with the traditional myths. However, here's a thing you can't rewrite IMHO. Vampires are the undead. They live off blood, they do not have sperm or ovaries so they can't get pregnant. Just saying, Underworld, you fucked up with that little storyline.

Dropping like flies

The alternate title, when it rains it pours

Another Grandfather has passed.
WTF?!!!
I didn't even belief it when we got the call. I just put my head down and thought this must be some kind of sick joke. I've gone to the inlaws, are going through pics again, writing obituaries again. I look at my young cousins and think, you shouldn't have to deal with this. Two times in two fucking weeks.

To say I am numb is and understatement. Mr. SM and monkey have left for the day and may stay overnight with my brother. I am going to eat lunch, study, make some food to take over and then come home to a glass of 2007 shiraz.

The only silver lining is that I am no longer stressed about the comp exam. I will be burying another grandfather the week before my comps. It kinda puts things into perspective.