Sunday, September 19, 2010

Teetering on the brink

Mr.SM and I are teetering on the brink.

We've both been through alot this past summer. I haven't been blogging much, what with the cancellation of the first comp exam, the two dead grandfathers and now my 'second" exam coming up in two days.  There hasn't been alot of time for blogging.  That's just whats happened to me.
Mr.SM has been having his  own personal issues balancing the family business with work, quitting his job to work with the family fulltime only to realize he can't work with the family fulltime because of personality conflicts with family members.  We're both stressed. We both have no time to help or support the other.  Our communication has hit a all time low. 

I feel done with him.

Which is not an easy place to be. I love him, he's the father of my child but I wonder if I'm in love with him still.  To say these are not issues that I need to or want to be dealing with 2 days before my exam is an understatement. Unfortunately, stress brings out either the best or worst in us and right now all that I'm seeing is our weaknesses. His weaknesses.

Everyone keeps saying it will get better once the stress subsides, but we've had some major fights. some hurtful things were said and I'm not the best at letting things go.

All his negative points keep blaring in front of me. The more I complain, the more upset he gets because he's never good enough. Probably because his priorities aren't the same as mine. Probably because I'm telling exactly what I need from him and he's not doing it.

He's a workaholic and I hate that. I hate that our child thinks daddy's always to busy working. I hate our lack of family time.  I hate how his work is always more important or his need to relax or his something or the other.

I know we need to communicate. But I don't want to. I just don't want him around. I'm at a point where I don't see a benefit to having him around. He's nothing more than a companion that is giving me more stress than enjoyment.

Isn't that sad?

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I read a really great book, For Women Only by Shaunti Feldman that really put a few things in perspective for me and my husband. It was really helpful for us.

Mrs.Spit said...

I'm awfully sorry. One of the hardest things about a relationship is how imperfect we are with each other.

chall said...

oh SM, I am so sorry to read this.

I'm afraid I'm not at a place when I can say much good... have had a really bad summer myself with personal relationship and "demanding stuff and emotional support". We didn't have a child as wasn't married though... (this time around - whatever, not relevant for your situation)

You have my email if you want to vent/talk about it in more specific terms, please use it if you think it might help?!

There might be something to the whole "don't make any decisions at this stressful time" but then again, you feel what you feel... I hope you can get things in perspective - for both of you - and that you will be good.

Caro said...

I'm so sorry to read this. I hope you can find the right decision for you.

The R said...

Sad news, perhaps positivity will emerge after you pass the imminent exam.

Alyssa said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. It seems really stressful times can either bring a couple together or rip them apart. Whatever you decide to do, you'll have our support.

Cath@VWXYNot? said...

(((ScientistMother)))

(and Chall, too).

I'm so sorry to hear this. Stress is a bugger for highlighting other issues. I hope once the exam is over you'll be able to find a way to work through the issues. I realise you're venting rather than asking for advice, but I would echo what Chall said about not making any big decisions until things have calmed down a little bit.

Stay strong... one thing at a time.

Fia said...

Hugs. I am convince you'll get through this and emerge stronger. Whatever the outcome is.

ScientistMother said...

Mrs.Spit - I know he feels comfortable showing me his dark sides, which I think he should be able to do. But there is a time and a place. He's hurting alot with his GF passing. Everytime he sees his family it brings it up. For these last few days, he needed to suck it up. and he didn't.

Chall - I'm so sorry you're going through it too. I'm not sure if
being married makes it any less or more harder. Its hard to when you're at a point when you don't know if you're happy anymore. The child does make it harder. I can't just leave. I have to think about the repercussions on him. Which is probably good. it stops hasty decisions.

Caro/R - thanks for the support. I'll be exploring my feelings more after tomorrow.

Alyssa - yes, stress really does decide which couples will make it. I know this decision can not and should not be made on my own, it'll have to be a joint decision. I'm not sure he's ready to give up - which is a good thing, I think...

Cath - thank you. thats been mantra, one step at a time. Wednesday will be good.

Fia - I hope so. but can I say, I'm tired of becoming stronger.

~profgrrrrl~ said...

I'm so sorry ... I felt a lump in the pit of my belly reading this. What a difficult time. I hope that things can improve on the other side of the exam, that you find it becomes easier to explore the issues as that stress subsides. Relationships can be difficult in the best of times, and it's only natural that stress can put cracks in the foundation.

Big hugs.

Ambivalent Academic said...

My heart goes out to you SciMo.

The bean-mom said...

Oh Scientistmother,

Breathe. As you said, one thing at a time. Get past your comps and kick ass on them. Then you'll be in a better place to evaluate things and understand how you feel.

Marriage is hard. I confess that I could have written these things about my own marriage at times... more often than I care to admit. And my husband and I have not even ever been through the kind of stress that you and your family have been through.

Get past these next two days. Try to get a good night's sleep. Eat.

And *hugs.*

ScientistMother said...

profgrrrl - thank you. I'm hoping its stress bring out the worst. But at the same time I think its stress showing us our weakness. I'm not throwing in the towel just yet. I can't do that without trying everything including counselling. it just really really hurts.

AA - thank you. hugs are so appreciated.

BeanMom - this was a hard post to write. Silly as it seems to say, I'm pretty private about my relationship. I've learned its hard to talk about the tough times as the other person gets judged unfairly because of the way i've portrayed something in anger. I feel like I am at a breaking point.

Ewan said...

Only posting really because hugs are appreciated - so: hugs. Those I can do.

I just deleted the rest of the comment - because it was about me, not you - so that's all, really: hugs.

Nightsongfire said...

Seriously if you can think "if" still, you still love him. Having doubts, and thinking about them, makes things better in the long run.

chall said...

(side note, Cath you're sweet. thanks)

SM: I think the stress, as you say, might be a trigger to "really see problem areas" - although, stress is bad overall. It's like when people have great relationships and then one of them lose their job, and then the problems start...

and what you are going through now - with all the loss this summer, and then the comps, yeah - that is a LOT.

I hope you can get through these next few weeks without being too stressed/sad/emotional/angry , and then in slower times, see and feel what it seems like and what to do about it all ((HUGS))

unlikelygrad said...

I don't think it's possible to be in a long-term relationship and not have these feelings about the other person.

Sometimes, the only reason I put up with UnlikelyDad is because I remember that there are times in my life when I am equally unreasonable/selfish/unsupportive and he puts up with me. And if he does it for me, it's only fair that I do it for him, right?

Given how stubborn we both are, it amazes me that we've managed to slog through 20 years together.

Melanie said...

There's nothing quite like stress to show you the cracks in structures, is there? And when you start exploring the extensiveness of them, sometimes it makes things worse (hurtful things being said) before they get better.

Do try counseling. While stress can account for a lot of things, there are issues there I think that cannot be blamed solely on the strain of stress. Having a third, uninvolved party there to help you communicate can be ever so helpful.

I know you don't feel like having him around right now - some of that might be your reaction to the stress and to his own reactions to stress. But remind yourself of what it felt like to love him. Remind yourself of the worth of your relationship. I'm told that marriages have ups and downs, and that sometimes there's a benefit to feeling this way - it exposes those cracks so you can patch them up, and come out stronger in the end.

Lots of hugs. I hope things have improved at least slightly with your exam being done.

EcoGeoFemme said...

Hugs.

Girlpostdoc said...

You've had some year. Big hug. And you know my email address.