Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Bad Mom Moment

I lost my cool today. For the first time in >3.5 years, I screamed and yelled at my child. I used foul language. He was shaking he was so scared.

As I look back at it, hours later I can see all the places I went wrong and keep wondering what the fuck happened to me?

I know why I was mad. He locked the washroom stall door. I told him to open it and he refused. I could see him sitting on the toilet, pants off jacket still curling under his bum. I knew what was going to happen.
I asked him to unlock the door. He refused.
Then he couldn't get his jacket off. He knew poopoo was coming but wouldn't open the door. I refused to crawl underneath. What is that teaching him about listening and consequences? I believe that was the right thing to do.

The wrong thing was losing it when he threw his jacket out, with the inside smeared with poo. Seriously what was the big deal? We'd take it home and wash it. Looking back, I should've said, you made your jacket dirty because you didn't unlock the door like I asked. Now we're leaving the park to go home.

Instead, I got mad. I yelled at, told him to open the door. He said No I'm going poo poo. For some reason, I LOST it. I yelled at him to open the God Damn fucking door now. I had never screamed or sworn when I talked to him before.

Poor kid started crying because the poo fell into his underwear, because I was mad, because we had to go home. It was horrible. Apparently my sister heard him outside. I feel so bad. I don't know what happened to me. I rarely yell, let alone scream. I hate yelling and screaming.

We got home and I cleaned him up. I apologized for getting mad. I explained that I was really really frustrated because I knew the jacket was going to get stuck and was really upset that he didn't open the door when I asked. Still I scared the shit out of him and myself.

I know he'll be fine. I know he knows how much I love him and every one has there moments. However, I've been trying really hard to be the level headed, calm, rational mom I never had.

UGH. I might sleep in his big boy bed with him tonight. more for myself then him..


Maggie May said...

Hang in there. I've had a moment like that and it does suck so hard. The thing that helped was talking to my child about it and saying that it is not OK for Mommy to talk like that, you must have felt XYandz, I am very sorry and I love you, etc.

ScientistMother said...

MM - I've done that, but I just feel like shit and unfortunately Mr.SM just added to it..

Mrs.Spit said...

I'm sorry. That's a rough day all around. FWIW a crappy parent would not be this agonized about it.

chall said...

so sorry but in fairness, it was bound to happen... a mother loosing it and the apoloasing later.

I'm not saying it wasn't bad, but i don't think it was that bad. you're just a human. and under a lot of stress lately. that'd said, hope you can sleep well in the kid bed ;)

Alyssa said...

Sounds like a rough day, but like Mrs. Spit said, a crappy parent wouldn't care about it. It happens from time to time, and as long as you talked to him about it afterward that's all you can do.

Hang in there - you've been under so much stress lately, it was bound to come out in some way.

Amanda@Lady Scientist said...

I agree with Mrs. Spit. You're human and we all lose our temper. You've talked to him about it and apologized. The fact that you're agonizing about this shows how good of a mother you are.

Kate said...

I'm sorry you had such a rough day and yelled at your son. It will happen again. What's important is not whether it will happen or when, but how you handle it afterwards. As parents we can't protect them from everything (including our moods and frustration), we can only help them heal. You did that when you talked to him afterwards. You are a truly wonderful, loving mother.

Melanie said...

Ahhh, if only I'd only ever yelled and screamed at my son just once :) Hang in there. It's okay.

My mom says, "When he sees you melt down it teaches him about what it is to be human, to have limits."

As to why it happened? Seems to me that you've had a really stressful and downright awful summer, and still have a defense coming up. I know, it sucks to take out stress on the little guy, but show me a parent who hasn't done it.

A friend's comments a while back also fit here. Good parents DO melt down, they DO lose it sometimes. Kids naturally piss us off, they push boundaries to find out where they are. If we always just smile and talk soothingly when we want to scream and swear, eventually we're gonna crack. Bigtime. The occasional meltdown where you scream and swear for a moment isn't going to harm your child.

EcoGeoFemme said...

Like Melanie said, it's little wonder you lost your shit given all the stress you've been under lately. It sucks, but it happens. Surely the 3.5 years of predictable mommy will outweigh one outburst, right?

ScientistMother said...

You gals are amazing. thank you for the kind words, yet again.

Mrs.Spit - yes a crappy parent would be WTV

Chall - glad to be cliche:) but you're right. It happens and as long as it not a regular thing, its OK

Alyssa - I was hoping to let out the rage is a more productive manner, ie long runs...however that would require me to wake up....
Amanda - thanks!

Kate - Sadly, you're right it will probably happen again. Hopefully it'll be a non-frequent event

Mel - thanks, alot

EGF - that one made me smile only because I get so frustrated that it takes only 3 days for monkey to learn a bad habit from my niece, but still forgets to say his please, thankyous 50% of the time!

Anonymous said...

You say you want to be the level headed, calm, rational mom you never had. Fair enough. But you turned out good, and your kid will come out even better.

Not a mom myself, but sometimes I see kids sheltered from negative emotions (anger, sadness, etc.) so much that to the point that they don't understand they are being annoying or irritating or are embarrassing themselves, and they have no clue the effect of their behavior on other people in the general public. And then they grow up and try to hold down a job or get through an interview and wonder why they are having difficulties with "life." Can't be winners each time, every time.

A little fear of mom losing her junk as a deterrent from engaging socially unacceptable and possibly dangerous behavior (i.e., running and locking one's small self in a public toilet) is okay.

FWIW, I come from an old skool culture as well.

Arlenna said...

Oh SM, I feel for you!!! I haven't experienced this yet but I know, I know I will. My daughter hasn't started pushing boundaries yet (she's only 9 months old) but I know she will soon. Once she gets to the age where she knows better, it will be so hard. But then, my mom lost her shit and screamed swear words at us a number of times when we were little, and always apologized like you did, and me and my sisters all turned out okay, are close with our mom and love her, and know she loves us. So, I hope I will do as well as she (and you!) did when I lose my shit.

Admin said...

I just screamed at my daughter and it just feels awful, do it about once a month bow and then I take it out of everyone afterwood.
She gets up really early for school and is very tired and ratty , but we all are and end up screeaming at each other. Dont know what damage its doing?