Monday, August 30, 2010

Full of anger

I am MAD and I am about to go on a ramble. Consider yourself warned.

This as probably been the shittiest summer that I can remember. I am angry, tired and frustrated. The ordeal with the comps started the anger and every thing else has just piled on top. It was bad enough being the interpreter and bearer of bad news with SMGrandPa, but on top of that I was dealing with trying to get information from sexist, condescending prick doctors. Then SM GrandPa died, in the most emotional roll coaster manner possible. Seriously, we had THREE false alarms before he passed. It sounds so cold and callous but having to prepare yourself for death 3 times in 3 days is mentally and emotionally exhausting. You get to point where you are thinking, OMG just die already and let us move on, which let me tell you is a horrible place to be. Because when grandpapa does die, peacefully thank God, you feel like shit. A whole fuck load of mixed up emotions run through you. Then you have to go through the whole planning a funeral while trying to explain to your child what is going on. Going to the SM house daily, dealing with everyone coming to pay they're respects. Having to deal with annoying SIL, not showing emotions because you need to be strong for SM Parents and Grandma. Not being able to breakdown at home because monkey will freak out be WTF why are you crying mommy? why are you sad? OR because Mr.SM is there and its his GF, so I need to be his rock. Tell WHO THE FUCK IS MY ROCK??!!!

I am angry because I didn't get a vacation, I didn't get to visit my BFF and her baby. And now i need to dive back into studying and TAing. Which means no fucking vacation till God knows when.

I am angry because you would think a death in the family would cement your belief in God as either existing or not, but no I am as conflicted as I was before hand, which I haven't really written about either, bc I have no fucking time to myself.

I need time to myself. I need everyone to fuck right off and leave me alone to pay my bills, clean my desk, watch some TruBlood and drink some OH.

12 comments:

Maggie May said...

i hear you. i am so sorry about your Grandpa.

Mrs.Spit said...

I'm really sorry. That sounds hard.

Liz said...

I don't think I have ever commented here before but this post was just so raw and your pain rings through.

I truly hope you are able to get an emotional break and things look up in the next little while. Wishing you all the best

chall said...

oh SM, I'm sorry. I hope you can get a day/weekend alone (or not focusing on the needs of others for a bit). I can understand the anger and pain, it's hard.

If you could go to a boxing class, or yoga and let out some steam in a time for yourself?

And for what it's worth, I think monkey can handle his mother crying for a bit in a sad time like this. Don't break yourself being all "perfect" - it's better for you to be honest. All the best to you, and hugs through cyberspace!!

Alyssa said...

Ugh - what a shitty summer :( I'm sorry that you had to deal with all of this, SM. I hope you can find some alone time - if even for a few hours.

(((hugs)))

Cath@VWXYNot? said...

I'm sorry. The universe really, really sucks sometimes.

Ambivalent Academic said...

I'm so sorry SciMo.

The bean-mom said...

I am so so sorry for your shitty summer, SM. Hopefully you do get that little break soon. (hug).

biochem belle said...

SM, I'm sorry to hear about the shitty summer. It sucks to have deal with such crap.

Balancing Act said...

You have had a shitty summer, SM!

If you can spare it (and I know how it feels to not think you can spare it), you should leave Monkey with Mr.SM for an hour or two and go do something you like. Not something that has to be done. If you can load your TrueBloods on your computer, go to a coffee shop and drink beverage of your choice and watch the shows.

You do need that time.

unlikelygrad said...

SM,

Yeah, that does sound pretty shitty. But I agree with chall--you NEED to cry in front of Monkey. Why? Partly because you need to cry, you need to let out your anger and frustration and grief. And partly because a culture of completely submerged emotions is NOT healthy, and you don't want to perpetuate that for another generation.

FWIW, both of UnlikelyDad's grandmothers (who were both closer to me than my own grandmothers) were in that Please-God-Be-Merciful-And-Let-Her-Die state for years. It sucked. But at least I could go outside after visiting with them and cry on MIL's shoulder (while she wept on mine).

ScientistMother said...

Thank you everyone for all the kind thoughts and well wishes.

Monkey has seen me cry about this and has probably experience stuff that most 3 year old shouldn't. He was in the room with his great-grand dad when the first "false alarm" happened. Although we got him out of there quickly, he felt and saw the fear, sadness and turmoil that his parents and uncles were feeling.

We haven't hid much from him, but at the same time we need to keep everything balanced, some normalcy and routine in his life....its a shitty think trying to figure out how to do that. Answering questions like Do I take him to the funeral? If yes does he see the body? These decisions are hard and there is no "right" answer. For someone that like to do the "right" thing, these decisions are doubly hard.